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Seeing Another Side
by Janet Michelle Coltharp
CHELLE0774@aol.com
Many people acknowledge only one aspect of adoption, which focuses mainly on the relationship between adoptees and their adoptive parents, but sometimes adoptees and birth parents feel it is important to also focus on the relationship between them as well as the search for each other.
"Adoptees search for a variety of reasons," Carol Demuth, a social worker in post adoption said, "and therefore it is difficult to make a blanket statement about adoptees searching. Searching for birth parents and ancestry is a natural action for an adoptee to obtain fundamental information about their family," Demuth said. "Adoptees, who had no control over decisions made about them as children, can now take control and make decisions about their lives, which is not synonymous with controlling the outcome of a search," Demuth said. Demuth feels there are certain requirements adoptees need to begin their search. "Respect, compassion, empathy, and tolerance are all necessary ingredients to an adoptee's search," she said.
Nancy Schaeferss, now in her mid-40s is a birth mother and an adoptee. She relinquished two children when she was 17 and 18 years old.
Schaeferss explained that some birth mothers do not want confidentiality forever, just while they were pregnant. "They didn't want the nosy neighbors, family members, church and church friends to know they were pregnant," she said.
"I want to find my birth mother to get answers to what I looked like, medical questions. I did not need another mother, but we have become good friends," Schaeferss said.
She feels the negative aspect of in her search for her birth children was finding out her birth son is in Utah State Prison. "I was in total shock when I found him there," she said.
Schaeferss said she has a good relationship with her birth son, despite his incarceration. But, she has been asked by her birth daughter to limit their relationship to only birthday and Christmas cards. "I wish that my birth daughter would change her mind about her relationship, but only time will tell," she said.
"I love my children unconditionally," she said.
Donald Taylor is considered a "triad," which means he is an adoptee, an adoptive parent, and a birth parent. Taylor believes in the importance of adoptees searching for their birth parents. "It is important for any person to have a grounding in their history. Adoptees are denied this from the start," he said.
Taylor said adoptees are often treated like second class citizens. He said only when adoptees have access to their past history equal to that of any other citizen, then he may be opposed to adoptees searching.
"No matter what, there will be pain," Taylor said. He feels it is crucial for adoptees to be able to own the pain that they may encounter and produce. "In the end, there will be peace. Personal growth can be immense during this process," he said.
Carol Schaefer is the author of "The Other Mother: A Woman's Love for the Child She gave up for Adoption." She said, "I do believe that adoptees should be able to search for their birth parents, although I feel it still should be the birth parents who search in the best of all possible worlds." Schaefer explained birth parents searching for their children would be a healing for the abandonment of the children.
Schaefer feels that at the deepest level, these types of relationships are the most important ones in our lives. "The opportunity for healing is so great. I always describe it as a journey," she said. Holly, whose last name has been withheld by request, was adopted when she was 2 years old. She always has known she was adopted. "It was always a part of my life. We socialized through adoptees," she said. Holly explained she has many friends and family members who are adoptees, just like her. She has 17 siblings who are adoptees. 8 of her 10 brothers and 9 of 13 siblings were adopted.
Sometimes Holly wishes she knew her birth parents. "At times, I wish I could see what they are like, what they look like, whom I resemble the most," she said.
Holly has thought about searching for her birth parents, but she has decided now is not the best time. "It is too big of a hassle, too expensive to try and attempt. I have the means to find them. I just don't have the funds," she said.
"Adoption is a good thing. Most people think it is like taking care of someone else's kid; that you could never love them like your own," she said.
Holly feels strongly about her adoptive family. "Our family was pretty close growing up. We were each others' playmates, friends, guides, and teachers. You don't see the "real" (biological) kid. You see "family," she said.
"With preparation and support, a search can, regardless of the outcome, be an opportunity for growth, for increased self-knowledge and for gaining information on one's origins," Demuth said. Demuth believes a search can also provide healing, strengthening of family ties, and creation of new ones. Demuth wants the public to know that there is not only a loss, but also a gain for members of the triad. "It is a misconception that the triad is served well by secrecy. In fact, it gives adoptees a very negative image to think that they must be protected from their birth family, or somehow that the strength of their adoptive family depends on being kept from their birth family," she said.
As Demuth summarizes the main point, she said, "Thank goodness today we realize that a child no longer needs to lose his or her birth family to gain an adoptive family."
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