Top 10 Ways for a Happy Reunion & Relationship

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Top 10 Ways for a Happy Reunion & RelationshipPractical advice for reuniting families by Linda Back McKay, author of Shadow Mothers: Stories of Adoption and Reunion

1. BE YOURSELF. (Am I too fat? Will she think I'm dumb7)
You are who you are and it's best not to worry about it. Know that you're a good person, be honest with yourself and others and above all, try to relax.

2. BE RESOURCEFUL. (What should I expect? What if he hates me?)
You may feel more in control of the possibilities by finding out how other families have handled reunions. In addition to my book, there is much information in the library and the Internet. It might be a good idea to seek out the advice of a professional counselor, too.

3. BE RESPECTFUL. (Why can't we a// spend Chnstmas together.)
Your newfound relatives have an entire history - which doesn't include you. It is important to respect their lifestyles and desires, just as they need to respect yours.

4. BE SENSITIVE. (Separated a// these years - we must make up for lost time!)
Be a good listener and try to be aware of how others are feeling. In the joy of getting to know one another, we need to remember that it's normal for adoptive parents to feel threatened, or at least uncertain. When I met my son, I wrote many letters to his adoptive parents. Those letters helped reassure them that they weren't going to lose their son. Keep in mind that adopted people are fiercely loyal to their adoptive families - and rightly so.

5. BE PATIENT. (I've known her for three weeks and she's never even hugged me.) Sometimes it takes years for people to bond. And sometimes people end up slowly drifting away from each other. Be patient with your relationship. Don't try to push, and don't hang back needlessly. Let things develop naturally. I've been reunited with my adult son for almost 12 years and we're still getting to know each other.

6. TALK ABOUT IT. (I wonder if he thinks I didn't want him. I wonder if she knows that I've always loved her.)
Don't try to second-guess anyone. The best way to find out what you want to know is to ask. Be open and honest.

7. BE UNDERSTANDING. (Why are they acting this way?)
You may feel a bit like an emotional octopus - trying to understand everybody all at once. Don't forget, siblings, grandparents, everybody's relatives, friends and co-workers are all going to be influenced in some way by your reunion.

8. ASK FOR HELP. (I can't handle this.)
The most courageous people I know are those who see a counselor or other mental health professional when things get rough.

9. KEEP IT IN PERSPETIVE. (This is only part of who I am.)
Especially at first, it's easy to make your reunion a central focus. Don't forget the other people and activities in your life. And rest assured, things will calm down with time.

10. ENJOY YOUR LIFE. (All in a//, the world is pretty much okay, when we stop to think about it.)
No matter how your reunion and relationship turn out, remember that you're in charge of your own happiness. What you do with your life is ultimately up to you. copyright 1999 Linda Back McKay Community Internet Services, LLC
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