Susan Ward: Becoming A Family Part 6

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Older Child Adoption - Becoming a Family Part 6

A Working Family: Blending the Past, Present, and Future

Right now, in our family development, I'm asking myself questions and looking for future solutions. If almost surprises me to have this available energy. For so long, I could not think beyond my own physical self-protection and my daughter's emotional survival.

How do we build on what we've learned? How do I make sure her mental talents are challenged? How do I help her build on her physical abilities? How do I make sure there are male role models and couples in her life? Should I think about a sibling? How do I blend her past and her present, and give her emotional strength for the future? How do we get more information from Russia about her past? How do I help fill the 'whole' in her heart related to her past? How do I thoughtfully answer questions such as, "But WHY do families love each other?"

In the past two weeks, I've stopped knocking on wood when I tell someone the meltdowns are over. Even though they may be gone, I realize that Hannah is a strong-willed, extremely bright child who will test me every step of our lives! :-) My goal now, is to help her channel that inner strength. At the same time, I remind myself, that even though she seems extremely self- sufficient, she still needs the tools to live and grow as part of a family.

Through my reading, our continuing visits to the therapist, and my gut instincts about my daughter, I'm endeavoring to do the following:

*Help her talk about her scary thoughts and dreams connected to her past.

*Help her talk about her scary thoughts and dreams connected to fearing she'll lose me.

*Remind her that life is a series of hellos and good-bys.

*Help her to work through her grief over what she has left behind in Russia.

*Keep working on emotion words.

*Make Russia and her birth family seem part of her life, not just her past, i.e. life book, sharing photos of her brothers, prayers at night for her birth family, having Russian dinners, etc.

*Acknowledge the tough times when she lived with her birth mother, but try and find positive attributes i.e. "I bet Irena was smart just like you are. That's something we often get from our birth parents." Or, "Irena was very good about taking you to the doctor when you were a baby. We have all that information in our papers from Russia."

*Keep contact with her orphanage. We recently got a note, a photo of her at age 3, and a drawing from one of the children in her group.

*Share stories about families…solving differences, spending time with grandparents, having family discussions, playing with cousins…she didn't do these things in a family setting in her past.

*Talk about future plans…getting a dog, buying a bigger house, taking a bike trip, visiting Russia, and what we might do together when she's 11, 24, and 37.

When I wrote my autobiography for my homestudy, I said that the reason I wanted to adopt was to pursue my two favorite endeavors in life…to learn and to teach. Now that my head is above the water, I can smile and say, "Little did I know how much I would learn!"

At the 8 1/2 month mark, I'm in heaven! I can't stop smiling! We are the perfect fit. Sometimes she says to me, "Mama, why are you staring at me?" I always say the same thing. "Because I can't believe you're my daughter! I love you so much!" Every time I say it, her face lights up and she gives me a big hug and a kiss.

[Addendum: A few months after I wrote this, Hannah's violence and challenging behaviors returned. Eventually, she was diagnosed with reactive attachment disorder (RAD) and post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). She has undergone therapy, I learned new parenting approaches, and now she is healed. Through all of these difficult times, my love for her and commitment to her never wavered. -Susan Ward]

[Susan Ward, founder of Heritage Communications, maintains Older Child Adoption Online Magazine.
This regularly updated website includes articles, personal insights, links, books and more. There are special
sections on single parenting, reactive attachment disorder, and "Adopted Just Like Me for Kids." Susan is also
mama to Hannah, age 9, adopted at age 6 from Russia.]