Things Not To Say
Things that are NOT to be Said to Adoptees:
1. You're special because you're adopted.
2. You were chosen.
3. Your Birthmother loved you so much that she gave you up.
4. You're lucky.
5. It doesn't matter.
6. You shouldn't be angry.
7. You shouldn't be sad.
8. You should be careful what you ask for -- you might get it.
9. By finding her, you're invading her life.
10. Why are you interested in someone who didn't want you ?
11. Why do you want to find someone you didn't ever know?
12. Ever since you started searching you have become obsessed.
13. ...but your adoptive parents love(d) you so much.
14. ...but you're hurting your adoptive parents
15. Babies don't remember anything.
16. You're being ungrateful!
17. You have no respect for your adoptive parents.
18. Get over it!
19. If she loved you, she wouldn't have given you away.
20. You're being over sensitive.
21. Forget it and get on with your life.
22. Why would you want to find her?
23. It's the past, you can't change it.
24. You have no right to disturb her life.
25. ..but your adoptive parents really wanted you.
26. ..What's wrong? Weren't your adoptive parents good enough?
27. You're being selfish and disrespectful!
28. Didn't your parents do a good enough job?
29. How many mothers do you need?
30. Oh...you're one of them?
31. You adopted children should respect her privacy.
32. ...but you look like you come from such a good family.
33. ...but you don't look adopted.
34. Well, maybe that's the way it was meant to be.
35. If she didn't want you then, why would she want you now. You'll get rejected.
36. You might be opening Pandora's Box
Things that are NOT to be Said to Birthparents:
1. Forget about it (your baby) and get on with your life. My response was always, she is my life.
2. Leave well enough alone, s/he has another family now.
3. You did the right thing.
4. You will destroy/disrupt her/his life if you make contact.
5. You would have been unable to provide for your child.
6. It was better for the baby to have two parents.
7. Let sleeping dogs lie.
8. She has her own family now.
9. But you've had other children and you should be happy now.
10. Why don't you just let it go?
11. She was better off.
12. It's water over the bridge now.
13. If she needs you she'll come searching for you. You shouldn't search
for her!
14. You made the decision and you can't change your mind.
15. But you're not really her mother.
16. That was a long time ago. What's the matter with you?
17. She's turned out to be a nice person, so you should be grateful.
18. I don't know how you could do it... I could never give up my child.
19. If you really love her you will give her up, otherwise you are selfish.
20. No one will ever want to marry you with someone else's child.
21. There is no way you can work and care for your child properly. She will have to spend most of the day with a babysitter!!
Things that are NOT to be Said to Adoptive Parents:
1. How much did she/he cost?
2. Why did you go and adopt--couldn't you have your "own" child?
3. Did you buy that baby?
4. Maybe now that you adopted, you'll have "your own" child.
5. She/He looks nothing like either of you.
6. What are you going to do when she/he looks for their birthparent?
7. Do you know her/his "real" parents?
8. I sure hope he/she fits into your family!
9. Why didn't his/her real mom want him/her?
10. Don't even tell him/her they are adopted, they'll never know.
11. To bad you had to adopt!
12. Whose fault is it you can't get pregnant?
One reader's opinion:
Very good advice! If a person really wants to search, then they should be able to do so without fear or guilt!! It's hard enough just to get any information about birthfamilies. No matter what the outcome, a person has the right to know where they came from and certainly deserve any information regarding important medical information. You can't get that from the non-identifying info. My non-identifying info stated no medical problems in my family, which was not true!
Thanks to speaking to my birthmother, I now have vital information about heart disease, which is very prevalent in my birth family, that I can relay to my physician, so that they can be on the "lookout", especially as I get older.
I just received pictures of my birthmother and her two sisters! She also sent me a card with some very special words from her heart. She is so happy that I found her! She said it was the happiest day of her life. How many other birthmothers are hoping that their children will search for them. Sometimes, shame and guilt prevents them from searching, and if the adoptees don't do it, then there will be no chance of healing. I know every case is different, but there are many very similar to mine. I hope you can relay this message to people who need a little encouragement to search. No, you don't know who or what you will find, and it can NEVER be "perfect" or exactly what you would want to find. However, it has a great potential for staring the healing process for both the birth parent and the adoptee.
Catherine McGovern
P.S. - Please relay the message to people searching not to go it alone. Either seek counseling or a support group. I'm finding that I have the need to speak with other adoptees while I'm going through the reunion. It helps it make the journey less stressful and less lonely.
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