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I don't know how to start this except to say that Haley saved me life. The months before I found out that I was pregnant I was on a court order....I could not starve myself, I had to take medication as prescribed, couldn't lose weight. And since I had an eating disorder, that was next to impossible. I had to follow all these orders until October 20th, 1999. That was the day that I was determined that I was going to go back to starving myself. October 20th was also the day I found out that I was pregnant. I went to Planned Parenthood to get back on birth control pills. They had to do a pregnancy test. When the counselor came into the examining room without my packet of pills I knew something was wrong. And then she said it..."You are pregnant" I felt like I had been stabbed. I couldn't breathe. Then I was told because of my "economic status and lack of physical and emotional health" I should have an abortion. I was thinking about it. I think everyone in a crisis pregnancy situation thinks about it regardless of religious beliefs. I said I wanted an ultrasound first. She told me that they didn't have the equipment to do an ultrasound (kinda of ironic for a place called Planned Parenthood) but could schedule me for an abortion. Since I had free services at the clinic they were willing to pay for a $400 procedure but did not have the equipment for a $75 ultrasound?! I told her I had to think about it and I left.
I contacted Mercy Ministries of America. It is a home for pregnant unwed moms and girls with other issues like Eating disorders. I was accepted to the program. They also have their own adoption agency. I spoke with a lady there who had had an abortion and she encouraged me to apply to the program. I was scared but I did and I was accepted.
I never really felt like I was ready or able to be a mom. I decided to place my baby for adoption. I didn't know there was a such thing as open adoption until I got to Mercy. But once I learned about it I knew that I needed to have an open adoption because I could not have a part of me in this world and not know what happened to her. I found several families who met most of my criteria but none of them worked out. I had almost given up on finding a family. Then on June 5th, 2000 I met them. They met ALL my criteria and we hit it off perfectly. They would allow visits once a year and pictures every few months. I feel total peace about this. I have been blessed by being able to carry a baby to term when I was so unsure I would be able to because of my eating disorder. And I have been able to bless a family. I pray that Haley will be able to understand why I decided to place her. It is only because of the love I feel towards her and God's strength that I have been able to do this.
Yes some days are hard. But after 6 months the hard days are a lot fewer then the good days. The saddest times for me are when I think about the fact that I won't hear her when she says her first word. I won't be there when she takes her first step. I can't see the expression on her face when she is in the middle of learning something or discovering something new. But then I think that I could have robbed someone else from having that joy and I am glad I made the choice I did.
This is a poem I wrote for Haley
My precious child
Gift from above
An angel on earth
Created in love
You deserve the best
More than I can give
I'm not ready to be a mom
But you deserve to live
There is a special person
Who longs to hold you near
So I place you in her arms
As I wipe away my tears
It hurts so much to let you go
Nine months in me and now apart
She hold you in her arms
While I hold you in my heart
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