Adoption: Adoptee, Reunion, Search issues by Karen DeLuc

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What is Insecurity?

by Karen DeLuca

Adoption is a life long experience and the issues that come along with it can be very difficult. Each person copes with adoption issues in a unique way. Whether you are an adoptee, adoptive parent, birth parent, sibling or other family member, you may feel anger, guilt, shame, insecurity, fear, powerlessness, despair and depression. You are not alone in all of these emotions and there are people who can help you understand them and support you as you work through it.

Family relationships may change as individuals react differently to the adopted life experience. The life long issues of adoption may lead to financial stress, family discord, divorce, alcoholism, and a variety of other problems. Everyone has a different reaction and a different timetable for healing. It is important to grieve and acknowledge the impact of your experience.

Insecurity is one emotion that, I, as an adoptee, have had a difficult time over coming. Since I have completed my search I am more secure, however, still find feelings of insecurity. One of the differences now is that I am more aware when I am feeling insecure. In order to try to become more secure with myself, in my relationships with others and in the things I do I have sat down, cleared my head and done much serious soul searching to answer the question "What is insecurity?"

Time will pass, climates will change, and seasons will come and go. Everything goes on changing, nothing can be taken for granted; this is insecurity. I want everything to be certain, permanent; but have never thought what would be the outcome of things if everything is permanent.

Never believing anything is truly there to stay because nothing ever has been. Always weary about forever or even a long time. Never trusting in anyone because of always having been shown dealing with fake people, and seeing false motives. Unsure even of oneself and afraid the mind might deceive itself. Never certain, satisfied, content, or at ease. These factors all contribute to feelings of insecurity.

Insecurity keeps people fresh, alive, and adventurous -- knowing that things can be changed. Even without their changing them, they are going to be changed. The whole training of our minds is that we are made afraid of insecurity, and our whole life we are trying for safety. Financially, politically, religiously -- in every dimension we want to be secure.

Guilt, shame and self-esteem are very interconnected. The more insecure a person feels, the more unsure they are of their decisions. Therefore, the more guilt they may feel.

Regardless of what we say, all of us experience guilt. Guilt is not always bad. Sometimes we can use it to make positive changes. Other times, guilt can overwhelm us and we become imprisoned in shame. Our responsibilities to ourselves and to others can be immense. We want to live the dreams we have for ourselves and to feel successful in our lives. We want to have our hobbies, our interests and our desires.

Even though all of us feel guilt, some feel it more deeply than others. It has appeared to me that guilt seems to play a more active role in the lives of triad members. We expect ourselves to handle every situation perfectly, but in reality we are not always prepared for what we encounter. The discrepancies between expectations and reality are often shocking.

The first way I found to try and defeat my insecurity was to begin by treating myself with kindness and recognize that healing happens slowly. I tried not to set unrealistic expectations and not let others set timetables or pressure me into "getting on with your life." I do things when I'm ready, not because others are telling me to do them. I realized it is all right to be angry, to feel sad, or to cry. It is also okay to take time to lament and feel sorry for myself. The other part to the first step in my trying to defeat insecurity and guilt was to realize that I can only be as good as my best. It's futile to feel guilty for what I've done before. I was doing the best I could at that time.

The second thing I have realized and consider to be the second step is realizing that all families' and people's needs are different and it is okay if they aren't the same as mine. Each moment gives us reasons to learn, grow and be better the next time. The key is to learn from our mistakes.

Many years ago I decided to help myself and others by turning my adoption experience into a force for positive change. I have volunteered my time to PARR, Adoption Forum, Pittsburgh Adoption Connection, and speaking on adopted life issues at conferences. My time and commitment can and will continue to help triad members move toward healing.

Like victims of crime triad members may experience a great deal of anger, hatred, self-blame, guilt and confusion. My sense of trust was shattered. I experienced a wide range of feelings and behaviors and even had little ability to control my emotions at times. Some triad members have experienced nightmares, insomnia, uncontrolled sobbing, occasional hysterical laughter, nausea, headaches, fatigue or just a general feeling of going crazy. These emotions are very personal and may continue for a lifetime.

You can benefit greatly from attending a local support group in your area. Telling one's story again and again can facilitate healing. Begin to build a network of support for yourself to help you get through the difficult times, and realize you are not alone. Many others have experienced the same emotions and can help you work through your experience. It helped me and it can help you to.

I wrote in March 2000

Karen DeLuca
President, Adoption Forum
Founder, PA Adoption Reunion Registry
Adoption Forum, Inc., PO Box 12502, Philadelphia, PA 19151
Tel: 215-238-1116