Lina Eve: Birthmom Spotlight

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Joy Kennelly is currently writing a book about her open adoption and can be reached at joykennelly@yahoo.com A Birthmother's Positive Perspective on Adoption

This past August 2001, I was invited to speak at the Annual International Platform Association Conference (www.internationalplatform.com) held in Washington, DC on Capital Hill. I had been invited years ago and at the time didn't have anything I wanted to speak on badly enough to warrant attending, but kept the invite just in case I changed my mind. This year I did. See, I am a birthmother, one of the silent majority in the world of Adoption.

Fortunately, overall, I've had a good experience with my open adoption and my desire is to encourage other women in similar situations to mine to consider the third choice, which is rarely presented --- Adoption. That is why I wrote a letter to the chairman asking if he'd consider letting me share my story of being a birthmother from a positive perspective.

Even before he received my bio, he enthusiastically called me to say, Yes, we'd love to have you. This was in early May and I began to prepare to attend. I'd been working with a local maternity home, Rose Vista (www.rosevista.org), promoting their services to hospitals, clinics, adoption organizations, and anyone else who came in contact with women in crisis pregnancies.

Through the course of my phone calls I began to speak to women who had placed back in the early 50's, 60's and 70's and their anger towards what we were doing was quite amazing. I wasn't aware until then of the rage and unresolved pain so many older birthmoms carried all these years. I spent many hours speaking to some of these women attempting to show them that adoption has really changed since they placed and not all adoptions are bad experiences.

Some of them were able to wrap their minds around the fact we only want to help women and provide a safe haven for them to live after our conversations, but many wanted there to be no more adoptions whatsoever. It was then I realized that I'm one of the rare birthmoms who is willing to share a positive experience so soon after placing. My son is two and half years old.

These conversations were very sobering and I began to seek out other sources to support my efforts. Fortunately, Jane Bright, the Director of Rose Vista, attended a Loving and Caring Conference back in Philadelphia, PA which focuses on the birthmother's experience. She came back with all kinds of resources and contacts and I called one group called Birthmother's Ministry (www.birthmothers.org) in Alexandria, VA.

They were very gracious and connected me with another young birthmother who was willing to open her home to me during my visit. We had wonderful conversations prior to my arriving and I felt very supported and encouraged getting to know her. She had been one of the guest speakers at the annual Birthmother Luncheon Birthmother's Ministry hosts the day before Mother's Day and was very secure in her decision.

It came time and I left for the conference. A girlfriend from Virginia Beach was driving up to hear me speak and another new birthmother was going to attend as my guest from the Birthmother's Ministry. I was really nervous because it was such an honor to be speaking amongst all the other important guests and I was the youngest speaker to speak.

The day arrived and I showed up 10 minutes before and my professional bio was read as an introduction prior to my beginning to speak. Everyone was in their late 60's and I wondered if I'd have anything to say that they'd find of interest, but plunged in anyway. I had brought an 8 x 10 framed picture of my son to add another dimension to my speech which I mounted on the podium for all to see.

I began with statistics – “Four years ago only six in every 1,000 live births were placed in adoption, or less than 1%.” “Only 2 – 3% of the more than 1 million teenagers who become pregnant this year will place their child for adoption. Over 40% will choose abortion.” Then I moved into describing the different types of adoption available –

Adoption Agency, Attorney, Closed: with no contact between the adoptee and the birthmother; Semi-Open: Pictures and letters exchanged, oftentimes through an adoption agency; Open: Full visiting privileges, pictures, letters and a real relationship.

That is what I have and I told my personal story of what a difficult road this has been, but how worthwhile it is to know that my son is happy, and doing well with his new family. I am writing a book about my experience, which I am shopping around now. Then, in closing, I gave my hopes for the future of adoption which includes mandatory counseling for adoptive couples and birthmothers, federal funding to support those who work in adoption, and if people say they are Pro-choice, then let it be for three choices, not just the two that are pushed, keep your child or abort it. That drew a quick round of applause from the crowd.

I had brought packets of information on adoption which included my story prior to placing, adoption terminology, resources like Rose Vista and Birthmother's Ministry, and a Tapestry catalog which highlights all the books available on adoption from all the triad's perspectives, and other information. I held up Rose Vista's brochure and Birthmother's Ministry brochure and invited those interested in additional information to contact me afterwards.

We then opened it up for questions. A woman came forward and shared how she worked with teenage mothers and how she rarely saw any choose adoption. She then asked if I was proposing that we start a national movement for adoption and although I was surprised at her interpretation of my speech, I said, Yes, I am. That got some cheers. Then a man came forward and shared how his father had recently confessed to him that he'd raped his mother. He became choked up and said he wished adoption had been an option for his mother back then. He too was for adoption and told me later he was going to help me and would be e-mailing soon.

As I left the podium to take my seat, an older woman probably in her late 60's or 70's came up to me crying and choking on her words. She told me she'd been a birthmother 57 years ago. She was so broken up, I became choked up and could only nod in agreement even though I didn't understand a word she was saying because of her pain. She seemed to need a hug and through my tears I gave her one. It was a surreal experience to me because I hadn't expected this type of reaction from the gathered crowd.

Then, a man approached me from the International Platform Association who said he wanted to write an article about me for their monthly publication. He asked if he could have my notes and I gave him my outline. Another older woman was waiting to speak to me and she brushed him away because it was going to be a personal conversation she wanted to share. He left and she and I sat down. She began to share her story of having done three adoptions (one open until the adoptive mother couldn't take it any longer) and the rest were closed. She then had four other children and ended up raising those children. I think she just needed someone to hear her because as soon as she said all that, she thanked me for listening and then got up and left.

As my friends and I were preparing to leave, another middle-aged woman stopped me and shared her story. She had a daughter she'd adopted after having three miscarriages and she hadn't told her daughter she was adopted until she was 16 years old. I really don't think that's healthy, but it wasn't my place to tell her something that she couldn't change anyway. Her daughter had acted out at that point and became pregnant (who blames her!) and this woman wanted to know the sociological consequences of women raising children alone and the impact of fathers. I had to tell her I'm not an expert or trained in that, but the research I had done indicated that a fatherless child really is affected. She took the Tapestry catalog I gave her and when we bumped into each other again, I gave her a full packet of information too.

Then, my friends and I left to find what fun things might be happening in Georgetown that evening. The next evening, there was a wonderful banquet and various influential media types and a former astronaut entertained us. I was able to give a packet of information to honoree, Fox News Correspondent, Rita Cosby, who assured me she'd read it. I heard from her later and she recommended I give it to Bill O'Reilly, from the O'Reilly Factor as well. I knew him through an old boyfriend and promptly sent him a packet of info too. I also passed it out to Senator Warner from Virginia at a later engagement and others.

On our drive to Virginia Beach, my friend and I began discussing the possibility of producing a documentary on adoption from an updated perspective. She is a professional researcher and when we returned, she promptly began researching adoption on the internet. She discovered numerous bills in Congress that are proposing funding for adoption services, public service announcements, billboards and brochures. I encourage all of you to research this info on the National Council of Adoption's web-site www. Nac-usa.org I believe.

I don't know if I made any difference speaking, but the joy and encouragement it brought me has made me eager to do more. We are also seriously pursuing a documentary on adoption and public service announcements. Rose Vista continues to march forward with a fund-raiser this October 26, 2001 in Los Angeles, CA and Birthmother's Ministry is hosting one the end of September. I encourage all of you to consider supporting these organizations because they are among the minority in support of birthmothers and really need your help. As for me, I'm going to continue speaking and sharing my story in speeches, writing and film. God bless you all.

*BirthMother Spotlight is intended to celebrate the lives of women who have courageously gone forward in their dreams and passions in order to be examples to others. If you know of a BirthMother who would be a wonderful inspiration, please write to Courtney Frey @ candjfrey@msn.com