Courtney Frey, birthmother Poetry...Biography

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An Unlikely and Wonderful Friendship
Between Courtney, a Birthmom and
Bonny, a Pre-adoptive Parent

Talking to my friend the other day about Bonny, an adopting mother I've befriended, I realized how unique and almost strange it sounded. My friend replied to me, “I just don't understand how you could do that.” My friend, you see, was there with me the day I gave birth to my son. She sat beside me the day I relinquished my rights in court. She held my hand as I walked from the agency on the day I last saw my son. She also cried with me when the open adoption I'd asked for turned out to be very closed. She listens to my despair and keeps my tears as the years pass by and I long to hear how my son is.

So when I told her about Bonny and the relationship we'd forged, my friend could not begin to comprehend it. My friend knew well the pain I lived with and the betrayal that haunted me. She has seen first-hand my sorrow at loosing my first-born child. She has watched my rage when I fight to understand why my son's parents walked away without looking back. And when I told her how wonderful Bonny is and how I want to help her adopt, my friend has nothing to say except, “How can you have compassion for an adoptive couple when the one adoptive couple you put your trust in, failed you?”

And then I hear Bonny's voice within my thoughts, “Oh Courtney,” she whispers, “I am so sorry for you.”

Bonny had a tough childhood. So hard in fact, that at a young age she chose to have a tubal ligation. But years later she discovered her faith in God and married a wonderful Christian man, Andrew. Together, they found love and Bonny's life began to change. With that change, the desire to have a family became real. But Bonny could not have children of her own.

Bonny first knew of me when she came across an article I'd written called, “The Letter.” I wrote it to help adopting couples understand the true purpose of a dear birth mother letter, and what birth mothers really read and hear in them. After she read the article, Bonny contacted me. Click here to see email.

After several drafts and correspondence, Bonny and Andrew finished their letter. Where most of the adoptive couples I've helped offer their thanks and move on … Bonny did not. She continued to write to me. She then, knowing I would not accept any financial reward for helping her, offered to design a web page for me. I received a package in the mail from her a week later, as she told me she would send me a pamphlet of themes to choose from. But inside the package, along with the book were other things: Pictures, a letter, stickers, and hand-made crocheted hair bands for my six-year-old daughter. I nearly cried. This woman truly cared about me. I felt overwhelmed with gratitude for our friendship. She, even without intending to do so, was slowly healing the wounds left from my son's adoptive parents.

Through a maze of forging a new and unknown ground of friendship we supported one another by e-mail, chat, and telephone conversations. We prayed for one another and shouted for joy in our successes. Though neither of us know how such a friendship, between birthmother and adoptive parent is possible, we have watched it grow into something truly amazing.

Bonny has been selected by a birth mother who is due in less than nine weeks. The phone call I received from her that day still exists in my mind. Her laughter, her praise, her thanks to God, and her thought to call me … all are proof that we have bridged the gap between birthmother and adoptive mother and discovered something undeniably precious.

Bonny and I do not expect anything from the other. We are not friends because one of us has something to gain. We were brought together because of our pain and our need for healing, and through it we found hope in what each of us doubted. I had lost my faith in adopting parents, and Bonny was afraid of birthmother's. Now each of us, through tears and prayer and friendship … have given the other the gift of hope once more.

I am filled with a joy unlike any other knowing that Bonny respects and understands birth mothers. She will not act in fear or judgment, but with understanding and compassion. And now, when I write or speak with adoptive parents, I can help them with a pure heart.

Bonny and I wanted to share our story publicly with the hope that other adopting couples and experienced birth mothers will feel compelled to reach out as well. Society needs to be informed about adoption, but the truest and best way to re-form and positively change adoption begins with those involved directly in it.

I've read countless adoption books in the attempt to understand adopting parents and what they are going through. As a birthmother I knew everything there was to know about the experience. But in just two weeks of getting to know Bonny, I learned more than any book ever could have taught me or what I thought I knew myself.

And one day it is our hope that I will stand beside her at the dedication of her first child, and that God willing, she will be there when I hold my son again.

‘It is better to live knowing the truth … than to live in fear of it.”

*Courtney Frey

Here is the first e-mail I ever sent to Bonny: Dearest Bonny and Andrew, Your letter touched me deeply and I appreciate your writing to me. It must have been a hard step to take - along with everything else you've been faced with. I wanted you to know that I have read your "letter" and I am going to take my time with it. I just wanted to write you back quickly so you knew that I received it and am more than happy to help if I can. In love and prayer, Courtney Frey

Aunt Bonny :Hi courtney, I don't know if you have AIM or if this was too forward, but I really wnated to thank you for all of your help these last few days.
Forjabs : No no no .... I am writing to you now! How are you holding up?
Forjabs : Hello! Are you still there?
Aunt Bonny :ok, I just feel so empty without Cody. I changed the relinquish word stuff and am publishing the site back up
Aunt Bonny :sorry typing
Aunt Bonny :Since I don't work, I have a lot of time to be sad, frustrated, second guess myself, etc.
Forjabs : I know hon .... believe me I know. It's okay.
Forjabs : I was going to write you about that ... but was sitting on prayer for a while.
Aunt Bonny :I feel so fortunate that God led me to find your letter, it has been so helpful to have someone to talk to
Aunt Bonny :about which?
Forjabs : About how you're doing with loosing Cody.
Aunt Bonny :Ummmmm, well, let's see, it sucks! :-P >:o :-( Taht about describes it
Forjabs : Your letter and website are evidence that your heart is tremendously broken Bonnie ...
Aunt Bonny :I feel so betrayed by Social Services and I still have to be civil to them long enough to get my homestudy and classes done, ugh
Aunt Bonny :betrayed even, sigh
Aunt Bonny :I really didn't know how much being a mommy meant to me until I was one
Forjabs : And that's completely natural ... to feel what you're feeling. You know that don't you? Betrayal is perhaps one of the most difficult emotions to deal with. Especially if you are a Christian ... when you put so much trust and faith in God ... it tests your faith.
Aunt Bonny :I am struggling with that too, since I only became a Christian in the last few years, I struggle so much with obedience, prayer, faith, all those things
Aunt Bonny :Although we did pray for Social Services last night
Forjabs : Even if you had been a Christian for 20 years ... this would test your faith girl!
Forjabs : good ... that's a show of maturity in your faith. To pray for them ... instead of remaining angry. (which by the way is WAY to easy to do!)
Aunt Bonny ::-) I always feel like others are so much worse off than me and that I should just "suck it up" and deal with it
Aunt Bonny :LOL! REALLY Easy!
Forjabs : It doesn't matter what "others" are going through ... this is your life, your heart, your purpose ... don't demean what you're going through ... you need to grieve.
Aunt Bonny :I love the folks who have said well, at least he wasn't really yours and at least he didn't die, most people just don't get it.
Forjabs : I know ... people say the stupidest things!
Aunt Bonny :I'm trying not to (demean my feelings I mean)
Aunt Bonny :Oh, I have some other news for you too.....
Forjabs : Yeah? What?
Aunt Bonny :Last night Andrew and I were talking about my tubal ligation.....
Forjabs : and ????
Aunt Bonny :he didn't have the conviction that I did that it was a sin that I had let it be done (even if I wasn't christian at the time)
Aunt Bonny :but last night,
Aunt Bonny :I showed him the biblical evidence of Onan and he came to believe that I was right
Aunt Bonny :Long story short, hopefully at the
Aunt Bonny :beginning of 2001 I will be flying to TN to havea reversal
Aunt Bonny :we are still planning to adopt also.
Aunt Bonny :There are just so many kids who need loving homes, and we have soooo much love to give
Forjabs : That is GREAT NEWS!!!!!!!
Aunt Bonny ::-)
Forjabs : Many tubal's can be reversed ... and Bonnie - God forgives you .... if you ask. He isn't punishing you ... you know that don't you?
Aunt Bonny :Yeah, I thought so, the only catch will be if we meet a bmom before then, then I would have to wait until the baby is older so I could travel
Aunt Bonny :ummm, errr, kicking the floor, trying to look sheepish....
Forjabs : That's not such a bad catch though is it? lol
Aunt Bonny :the thought of being punished, did cross my mind once or twice, or a thousand times
Aunt Bonny :Not at all, that would be a GREAT reason to postpone
Forjabs : I know ... I figured. We all do that - we've sinned so much in the past ... maybe we're having to pay for it now kind of thing ...
Aunt Bonny :the way I figure it, the more ways for kids to come into our home, the better
Aunt Bonny :Ummm, yup,t hat is the way the figuring goes......
Aunt Bonny :wow, my typing is sooo bad this morning!
Forjabs : lol ... that's okay!
Forjabs : Bonnie ... I wanted to ask you something personal - is that okay?
Aunt Bonny :hard to believe I used to type for a living huh? LOL
Aunt Bonny :Sure, fire away.
Forjabs : Have you honestly grieved and been healed from the loss of Cody?
Aunt Bonny :I am still working on it, writing his web page was very healing....
Aunt Bonny :I love Cody and miss him terribly and he will always be my first baby
Aunt Bonny :but as I have looked at pics of other babies over the last few days,
Aunt Bonny :I have realized that while I miss him specifically, what I really miss is being a mommy.
Aunt Bonny :If you had asked me Tues or Wed tho,
Forjabs : The reason I ask is this ... the loss of Cody will directly affect your adoption.
Aunt Bonny :I'd have told you I was giving up and never wanted another child to even set foot in my house if it wasn't him.
Aunt Bonny :I know it does.
Forjabs : Let me explain this from a birth mom's side of things .. then you'll see that you're really not alone in your feelings okay?
Aunt Bonny :I am planning on doing a scrapbook about him and he will be a part of our family history. He will always be our first
Aunt Bonny :Yes, please, that would be great
Forjabs : As research proves (and I'm included in that research) - 175 birth mom's out of 200 will go on in the next year after relinquishing to have another baby.
Forjabs : 110 out of those 175 will go on in the next two years to have a second child.
Aunt Bonny :wow, I had no idea
Forjabs : and 55 out of those 110 will go on in the next two years after that to have a third child.
Forjabs : And why? Becuase the loss is too hard to live with and by having more children .... is proof that an attempt to "replace" the lost child occurs.
Aunt Bonny :I understand that.....
Aunt Bonny :My first reaction was
Forjabs : But sadly, when the baby arrives and is taken home - the expectations of what it should be ... fail. And the chidlren are abandoned, mis-treated, and neglected. Because, simply ... they are NOT that first baby that was lost.
Aunt Bonny :I don't want more because it wouldn't be Cody and Cody was perfect for our family.
Aunt Bonny :I can't even imagine having a baby and not taking care of it and loving it 100%
Aunt Bonny :I know that No one will ever replace Cody
Aunt Bonny :I also know that I will always be sad that he is not a part of our family
Aunt Bonny :but
Forjabs : Coming to terms with the truth is difficult. A birth mom will NEVER get her baby back ... you will never get Cody back. That dream, illusion, prayer, hope .. is gone. The difficult part of the journey is accepting that. And then going on to love other children for WHO THEY ARE - and not in memory of the first lost child.
Aunt Bonny :LOL, you and I think way too much alike....
Aunt Bonny :I was on my way to typing something about that
Forjabs : We both type what ... about 70 wpm? It SHOWS!! lol
Forjabs : And here's another thing I wanted you to think about okay?
Aunt Bonny :I know that each child is special and any children that are placed in our care, I firmly believe will be placed by God and will belong every bit as much as Cody did, though that POV took a LOT of prayer
Aunt Bonny :Sure, what?
Aunt Bonny :Yup, used to be 85, but I haven't worked in sometime
Forjabs : This is a hard one ... are you sure?
Aunt Bonny :Yup. Both eyes opem God led me to you for a reason
Aunt Bonny :boy, I hate these waits for hard truths! Tee Hee Hee
Forjabs : many of us have pasts that left us feeling un-loved, un-wanted, and with a need to fill ourselves. While many of us have found God and He does FILL us ... we are still human and need that reassurance that we are worthy, to be loved and to give love. Our pasts, even though God is more powerful than any one day of it ... effect the way we search for love and acceptance. This includes our own children. We attempt to "Be better than our parents." Sound familiar?
Aunt Bonny :Gee, I bet you have read my testimony huh?
Forjabs : You had a testimony on your webpage?
Aunt Bonny :Yup, it is on the page About Bonny
Forjabs : sorry ... no - just sitting here praying for the right words. God is good isn't He!
Aunt Bonny :Yes he is....
Forjabs : And honestly ... because I do the same thing.
Forjabs : lol
Aunt Bonny :Anyway, what I wanted to tell you, which I don't tell most people cause they wouldn't understand....
Forjabs : fessing up!
Aunt Bonny :Good, makes me feel not so alone...
Forjabs : What did you want to tell me?
Aunt Bonny :I grew up in an alcoholic, drug using, promiscuos, atheist, abusive home....
Aunt Bonny :When I was 14 (1984)
Aunt Bonny :I left home aned bcame emancipated
Aunt Bonny :I had my tubes tied because I did not think that
Aunt Bonny :I could avoid being like my parents
Aunt Bonny :it has taken God several years and two awesome Godkids
Aunt Bonny :to realize that I can be the exact opposite of them
Aunt Bonny :I have also prayed al lot about whether I want
Forjabs : Sometimes we have to see the worst ... so that God can make us the best.
Aunt Bonny :kids to fulfill my needs
Forjabs : Right ... like if you became the greatest mom ever - it would justify what you had to go through in your childhood .... right?
Aunt Bonny :and in some small sense I do, but I mostly want them so that I can give away all of the love that I have stored up. I have learned that I can be like my heavenly Daddy and not my earthly daddy
Forjabs : True ... but sometimes what we also want - even more so that to GIVE our love .... is to RECIEVE it. And often.
Aunt Bonny :No, like if I am able to have kids who grow up to be well adjusted, good loving people, then what I went through was worth it.
Forjabs : It wouldn't have been in vain then.
Aunt Bonny :I would be lying if I said that I don't want to recieve love,
Forjabs : Kind of like your Restitution.
Aunt Bonny :but, andI honestly feel and believe this, I don't think that it is my driving goal
Aunt Bonny :No, kind of like being successful in spite of my oarents
Aunt Bonny :Yes, it wouldn't have been in Vain
Aunt Bonny :also, and this is going to sound really strange....
Aunt Bonny :I have always cared about having nice things, a clean house, etc......
Aunt Bonny :But I have never really known what I was "called" to do
Forjabs : Until now?
Forjabs : Do you think it's to be a mommy?
Aunt Bonny :having Cody for those few days really showed me (and my husband, he really saw me) that I was called to be a mommy
Aunt Bonny :LOL! you gotta quit finishing my thoughts!
Aunt Bonny :I've always been good at a lot of stuff
Aunt Bonny :I am good teacher, a good web desinger, a good wife,
Aunt Bonny :but even though he was onlywith me for a few days, I was a GREAT mommy
Forjabs : But you never really felt any of those things were your deepest passion ... your true "calling."
Aunt Bonny :Nope, not even for a second
Forjabs : Until Cody.
Aunt Bonny :I can say that sitting there with that little guy and knowing what he was going to need next was the first time that I have truly felt like I belonged
Forjabs : And that you felt needed.
Aunt Bonny :it was the purest form of joy I can imagine.....
Aunt Bonny :yes, that too.
Aunt Bonny :All of a sudden
Aunt Bonny :the two am feedings, the dirty diapers, the sleep deprivation, none of it mattered
Forjabs : I know hon .... I feeel that way every time I look into my children's eyes.
Aunt Bonny :Many people would say I shouldn't say what I am about to say next,
Forjabs : say it - it's okay
Aunt Bonny :but I truly believe that if I do not have children (adopted or my own)
Aunt Bonny :I will have failed to listen to God about what I was meant to do.....and I will never be whole again
Aunt Bonny :Oprah would have a cow if whe heard that!
Aunt Bonny :she even
Forjabs : But if that's your true calling - He will give you children.
Aunt Bonny :I know, and I delieve that he will, from many sources....
Aunt Bonny :Let me share with you something ok/
Aunt Bonny :?
Forjabs : Okay!
Aunt Bonny :Before we had Cody, Andrew wasn't even sure he wanted to be a dad, but he agreed because I wanted it so badly
Aunt Bonny :after he took Cody back to his mom,
Aunt Bonny :he came home and the first thing that he said to me was....
Aunt Bonny :I was wrong to restrict the number of kids we should have, after seeing you with him for the last few days, we can have as many kids as you want
Aunt Bonny :he also said, that he understoos
Forjabs : How sweet he is!
Aunt Bonny :understood what it felt like to have the true joy of being a daddy
Forjabs : That's really neat Bonnie!
Aunt Bonny :Yeah, it is...and that is why I am determined about so many things.....
Aunt Bonny :I know htat my birthmom letter and some of the stuff on my website is unorthodox
Aunt Bonny :but I really hope that we will connect with a birthmom who truly cares about all of that stuff
Aunt Bonny :who wants to see beyond our income and how big our house is
Aunt Bonny :one who like you, wants to see our hearts
Forjabs : It's really not that unorthodox Bonnie -
Aunt Bonny :I know that many people will say that i am going about this all wrong, but God has confirmed this all the way, especially through you....
Aunt Bonny :It is if you read what most people say about writing a letter! LOL
Forjabs : Really? How?
Aunt Bonny :They advise "gearing" your letter and pix and all to appeal to the birthmom, etc....
Forjabs : Oh - no I know that! I meant - how has HE confirmed it?
Aunt Bonny :there is even a section on one website about what pix are best to include for the age range of the bmom, etc...
Aunt Bonny :Oh, that , well, want the long list?
Forjabs : I know ... and some of that is good advice ... but it teaches deception. and that's terrable.
Aunt Bonny :Let's see, He:
Aunt Bonny :Led me to you
Aunt Bonny :has sent several other people to assure me that we were meant to be parents
Aunt Bonny :removed my fear about how we are going to pay for all of this
Aunt Bonny :helped me find a Dr I could afford for the RT
Aunt Bonny :helped me to see that I don't have to pay a ton of $$ to some agency
Aunt Bonny :and mosly,
Aunt Bonny :He has told my heart that it wasn't a mistake and that I will be a mommy, some how....
Aunt Bonny :He has also confirmed it through Andrew too
Forjabs : wow - that's comfirmation if I ever heard of it!
Aunt Bonny :How he now feels we shouldn't restrict our family size and has removed his fear about being parents
Aunt Bonny :and that is the short list!
Forjabs : Have you been to any chat support?
Aunt Bonny :I truly believe that I was meant to meet you
Aunt Bonny :Just with you, you are the only one I have really felt led to, but all of my online friends have been praying for me
Aunt Bonny :I snet out our letter to several last night and was overwhelemd by love and support
Forjabs : I'm so glad to hear that Bonnie. YOu need all the support you can get right now.
Aunt Bonny :sent, sigh...brain gets ahead of fingers
Aunt Bonny :I find that I truly don't have much in common with a lot of the other adoptive parents
Aunt Bonny :I guess that sounds weird huh?
Forjabs : no !!! not at all - almost every papp says that!
Aunt Bonny :LOL! we need a club for those of us who are doing it differently!
Aunt Bonny :I think that part of it has to do with Faith
Aunt Bonny :It seems to me after looking at dozens of sites....
Aunt Bonny :that "secular" papp's are trying to woo the bmom with "stuff" and that just isn't me, and I really don't want to attract someone who's chief concern for their child is $$$ rather than love
Aunt Bonny :That sounds terrible, ugh, I wish I hadn't said that to you....sigh
Forjabs : lol ....
Forjabs : don't worry! I agree actually!
Forjabs : But see ... this is why ....
Forjabs : Birth mothe'rs who don't know better make there decisions based on three major things.
Forjabs : 1.) money
Forjabs : 2.) their age
Forjabs : 3.) school
Forjabs : They are told, "You can't afford a baby!"
Forjabs : So - naturally they look at couples who can financially support their child ... and very well ... ebcause that is the top runner for reasons in relinquishment.
Aunt Bonny :I know, I just have to have faith that God is going to send us bmoms who have a different view, I want them to be relinquishing for good and right reasons
Forjabs : If the birth mothe'rs had money - they would have the means to take care of their children. They wouldn't even consider adopting their baby out.
Aunt Bonny :I think that there are some who would.....
Forjabs : Sadly ... this is a fact - and birth mom's need better education about their decision making.
Aunt Bonny :I do believe that $$ is the wrong reason to relinquish,
Forjabs : IT IS!!!
Forjabs : But take a moment and imagine this okay....
Aunt Bonny :but I also believe that there ar esome (not many) who relinquish because they feel they can't love the child properly or that they may grow to resent the child later...
Aunt Bonny :that is the bmom that we are looking for
Aunt Bonny :ok, beign quiet now
Forjabs : A young girl - 15 years old - she comes from money - and her parents are rich. Her parents tell her that they will support the child financially until she finishes school. They will buy the baby everything. Now - her pro and con list for relinquishment gets smaller. There are only two things left. AGE: she wants to party. She wants to date and be a cheerleader. She wants a normal life. And SCHOOL: how will she finish school while staying up all night with a crying baby? But the latter two things w
Forjabs : ill change. She will not be in high school forever. She will not want to be a cheerleader forever. The only one thing that needs to and must stay the same ... is the money.
Forjabs : So if money is not an issue ..... she will have a harder time relinquishing her baby.
Forjabs : Does that make any sense to you?
Aunt Bonny :If that is the scenario, I believe that you are right, but I have an aunt for example, who has chosen never to have kids
Forjabs : Also - this is another thing you will hear all the time: I want my baby to have everything I didn't have growing up.
Aunt Bonny :her reason is that she doesn't have the mothering instinct and she has never regretted it
Aunt Bonny :Yes, that is common.....
Aunt Bonny :although I hope the bmom we find that says that means love.
Forjabs : I'm not saying this is in all cases .... I'm just saying that for so long birth mother's have been allowed to make their decision to relinquish based on the wrong and temporary reasons.
Aunt Bonny :You are right
Forjabs : And they end up regretting their choice when the reasons they did it - do change.
Aunt Bonny :I guess that is why we wrote the letter the way we did....
Forjabs : That's why it's so IMPORTANT to ask these questions to any potential birth mother.
Aunt Bonny :we were hoping to find the bmom who doesn't fell she is ready or even wants to attempt being a parent
Aunt Bonny :I think that is going to be the hardest part for us is asking these wuestions....
Forjabs : Okay - let's take that sentence ......
Aunt Bonny :ok
Forjabs :we were hoping to find the bmom who doesn't fell she is ready or even wants to attempt being a parent - SHE will not feel ready NOW. She doesn't want to attempt to parent NOW. She's young - she's in school, she wants to party etc. right? What happens in only three short years when every reason she chose to relinquish changes and she one day goes ... "Oh my God ... I gave my baby away ... WHY?"
Aunt Bonny :ok,can I play devil's advocate?
Forjabs :YES!!!!
Aunt Bonny :Granted, the reasons may be temporary
Aunt Bonny :but what happens to the child while the bmom is figuring that out?
Aunt Bonny :Doesn't he or she deserve to start out in a loving family?
Aunt Bonny :one who is prepared to have kids?
Aunt Bonny :are you stil lthere? Did I make you mad?
Forjabs :NO no!!!!!! I'm thinking of the best way to put this!
Forjabs :This is one of the HARDEST conversations to have.
Aunt Bonny :oh ok...this chat thing is hard when you can't see or hear the other person
Forjabs :This question alone causes riots! I just want to say it the best way I can.
Forjabs :Sometimes, We don't know why God chooses to give some babies, and not give them to others. But He does. When a 14 year old girl gets pregnant ... everyone is outraged ... and should be. How can she be a good mother?
Aunt Bonny :also, while I am thinking about it, let's take the reverse scenario, mom decides that she doesn't have the rsources or feelings to be a mom. she keeps the baby and Three years down the road she still doesn't and is taking it out on baby?
Aunt Bonny :Iguss I should tell you htat I really appreciate that you are taking the time to do this with me and short of you insulting me personally outright, I will never be offended or hurt by anything you say, I consider it an honor that you would spend so much time helping us realize our dream and calling
Aunt Bonny :Interestingly, a 14 yo in this day and age probably in most cases can't be a good mother, but historically that was about the age people started families until the last couple of centuries I think it has to do with a shift in our world paradigm
Forjabs :But this is the cold hard truth of things .... The baby is hers. Now - maybe she's undeserving - and maybe there are families out there who are better prepared and can take care of the baby ... but the truth of the matter is ... that baby belongs to her. And papps get angry - and that's understandable ... because they are unable to have such precious gift that they want and can handle ... when here's this 14 year old who got stupid and pregnent! But again ... no matter what side you take to the argument
Aunt Bonny :I'm sorry, I am talking too much, shutting up now so you can get your 2 cents in
Forjabs :the baby ... is hers. ANd her's alone. ANd she is accountable to GOD and her child alone.
Aunt Bonny :ok, so what about the ones who relinquish and don't regret it?
Forjabs :Bonnie ... this is going to be hard for you to hear.
Aunt Bonny :let me guess...all bmoms regret it somehow
Forjabs :Out of the thousands of birth mom's I know and interact with daily ... I have found but three or four.
Forjabs :BUT!!!!
Aunt Bonny :So, what is the right hting to do? Not try to adopt. (I hope you don't think I am being argumentative, I REALLY want to understand)
Forjabs :Adoption's are being done differently now - and birth mother's aren't getting the bad end of the deal anymore .... and we are praying that we see birth mother's being able to be happy with thier choice.
Aunt Bonny :BTW, I want you to know thta we have really prayed about the open vs closed adoption thing.....
Forjabs :yes? and what did you decide?
Aunt Bonny :We think that we would be comfortable with a high level of contact....
Aunt Bonny :the only thing that really sticks for me
Forjabs :Really? What made you come to that?
Aunt Bonny :is what the baby calls the birthmom
Forjabs :by her name Bonnie. Just by her name.
Forjabs :But you must know that she will refer to the baby as hers.
Aunt Bonny :For starteers, God left me clearly with the impression that I and the child have hearts big enough to share....
Aunt Bonny :I hope that we will be able to refer to the baby as ours (hers mine and andrews)
Forjabs :YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YOu said the KEY WORD ..... lol ... I"M SO HAPPY!!!!!
Aunt Bonny :LOL!
Aunt Bonny :I am so glad you agree
Forjabs :No - you refer to that baby as yours Bonnie. It will be. Let her refer to it as hers ... she won't do it in front of you. She'll call it by name. But just wanted to let you know - most aparents are shocked if they get a letter and it says, "My baby."
Aunt Bonny :I wouldn't be shocked at all, I would be surprised if she didn't.
Forjabs :My sister has an open adoption.
Forjabs :She's a birth mom too!
Aunt Bonny :Bad that you had to givce your kids up, but great that you can share that with eachother
Forjabs :I always have a really hard time going over for dinner to see my niece .... because she calls me Courtney. I've always wanted to ask her mom if she could call me Aunti Courtney! lol
Aunt Bonny :I guess that I may havea unique position on this and here is why......
Forjabs :okay ....
Aunt Bonny :When my dad died in 96, we hadn't spoken for over 12 years....
Aunt Bonny :my mom and brother are currently not speaking to me....
Aunt Bonny :I figure that our baby is gonna need all of the family it can use.....
Forjabs :That's pretty strong of you Bonnie .... and I believe that any birth mother would be blessed to have you .
Aunt Bonny :I had actually been thinking that I would ask the bmom if it was ok if the baby called here Auntie....as long as the baby clearly knew the truth
Aunt Bonny :It's not about being strong for me, it is about what is best for the baby
Forjabs :I wouldn't do the Auntie thing with his/her bmom - I"d just let it be at the name. Calling her Auntie would be a lie - even if it wasn't intended to be that way.
Aunt Bonny :ok, that is a good perspective to have. Thank You
Forjabs :The only reason I told you about the regretting, and the hard truths ... is becuase it is better that adopting parents know before ... then to experience the pain after.
Aunt Bonny :You see, I have no real family of my own, and Andrew's is less than supportive.....
Aunt Bonny :I understand that and I thank you, I want this to be as honest a process as possible
Aunt Bonny :Anyway, back to family....
Forjabs :I don't want to disuade you from anything!!!! I dont' want you to do anything you don't want .... I am just sharing with you from my own experience and my own research for the last 5 years. You will do just fine Bonnie - you keep your heart on the Lord and your faith in the forefront.
Aunt Bonny :since I really don't have family of my own, I have always "adopted" family, so for me it seem very natural, the person I call my dad has no relation to me nor do the people I call my sister and brother, we are what I consider to be the best kind of family, we ar efamily by choice
Forjabs :I agree .. that's really neat.
Aunt Bonny :I know that, I truly believe that you have only the best motivations or believe me, we wouldn't have gotten this far, I have learned from the best what gettin hurt looks like. I trust your intentions totally
Forjabs :Well Bonnie ... I have to go - I have an on-line appointment with another adopting mom in about ten minutes ... have to get prepared! Please - anytime you can feel free to IM me or write me ... and I will continue to help you in whatever way I can. Even if you just need to cry!
Aunt Bonny :For me it just seems like the natural way to do things and I guessthat is why I have never had any qualms about considering adoption or about havong an open one
Aunt Bonny :Thanks! Hugs!
Forjabs :YOu too! You CAN DO THIS!!!!