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One of the "perks" of working on an adoption website is that I often receive books and materials from the authors themselves, or I buy the book and have the opportunity to get to know the author personally. After finishing a new book by another author recently I decided to do some "reviews." Now, I quote that word as I am not being paid to do these reviews and they are not a part of my job description! Yet I am overwhelmed with the diversity and authenticity of these select authors and their published materials that I cannot deny the compelling need to exalt some of them. The following four books are THE BEST of what I have read this year, and perhaps the best I've yet to read as well.
Five Questions by Kitty Burns Florey
This book leaves me breathless. (I'd say speechless, but those of you who know me, know better than that!) Published by AOL Time Warner, the title, "Five Questions," is a lead in to the actual five questions this birth mother was faced with. I have to admit, this is not a title I would have written for this book. It is a 269-page novel, with words like rivers … flowing and raging across the shadows and triumphs of a woman's soul. The last novel I read that even comes close to Kitty's book was an older novel by Toni Morrison. No, I'm not kidding. You will be taken up into the heaven's of pure writing at its finest, brought to the alter of a place you barely know … the inner self. Here you will find an exuberant light that fearlessly leads you through the darkness of grief and sorrow, safely out the other side into hope and dreams and success.
I could not read this book fast enough, and to be honest I shouldn't even be doing this review until I have the chance to read it once more through. I read it in less than four hours … and I was, truly, left breathless.
This is not a how-to book. This is not a book that leads you through exercises or tells you about the facts of grief and how to find recovery. This is a novel that pours forth a wellspring of inspiring truth.
She writes, "I sat without speaking, propped against the pillows. The baby's reality had exhausted me: the smell of her, her tiny ragged nails, the fretful cry like some strange bird. But without her the room was empty. I stared out at the lights until I fell back to sleep.
The next day I signed some papers and filled out the form for the birth certificate. I named the baby Molly, after my mother. I couldn't give her anything else; at least I could give her a name. Maybe her new parents would keep it. The nurse brought the baby in again, and I fed her with a bottle, but she dropped off to sleep almost immediately. I'm your mother, I whispered to her. She didn't wake. My name is Wynn Tynan. I'm your mother. Remember me. Remember me. Looking at her, red and blank and helpless in my arms, I felt nothing but despair – that and the disquieting sensation that I had become someone else: literally, I was not Wynn Tynan any more."
Birth mothers … get this book. Kitty took me back, through each raw written page, into my own self as a teenager seeking love and attention. She sat me upon the cliffs of my own need, and showed me the ocean of a true self I had not thought to recognize before. I knew more about myself with each page, with each re-visitation of truth. I have never, ever, been as thrillingly inspired nor as passionately motivated to go running head-on into tomorrow. This book made me tingle with the initial love I felt as I held my first-born son, and with the power that comes from it now.
Kitty is the Author of 8 books, and you can purchase "Five Questions" through Amazon.com by using this link:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/search-handle-form/107-2765173-9406939
AND … look forward to "Five Questions" coming soon to AdoptShop on Adopting.org!
Adoption Wisdom by Marlou Russel Phd. The author, Marlou Russell, Ph.D., is a psychologist in private practice. Dr. Russell speaks and writes on issues of adoption for professionals, the public, and for those living with adoption. She is an adoptee in reunion with her birth family.
Many people read a book and instantly fall in love with the author. Well, I can tell you I've read a lot of books that I absolutely loved, but when I met or spoke with the author … well, truth be told there is a vast difference between loving a book and loving its author! The author of Adoption Wisdom, Marlou Russel, is one of those authors who can not only write well enough to teach, inspire, and train, but she is also a compelling, sensitive, and compassionate woman.
Marlou and I had planned to meet in California while I was there on business not long ago. I was to get off the plane, be picked up, and go straight to her offices. Unfortunately this was not far after September 11th and the Los Angeles airport was a mess. I did step off the plane, but the woman who was supposed to pick me up could not find me. I went from bus to bus, to parking lot to parking lot, and nearly two hours later I was beside myself. I had my cell phone on me, but the woman picking me up didn't have enough change to call me. So, she called Marlou and asked Marlou to phone me on the cell phone, giving her a meeting place so that she could find me. Bless Marlou's heart! My cell phone rang as I was near tears and it was Marlou telling me that the woman who was supposed to pick me up was at parking lot C and to go there and wait for her.
How many authors with Phd.'s do you know who would take time out of a busy day to call someone with directions? Although we missed our meeting together, I'll never forget that day. Marlou and I have plans to meet again this Spring and I look forward to it very much.
Marlou is also appearing at BreakThrough Live as our Key Note Speaker and volunteered to do so with very little information about BreakThrough, other than our vision and heart. She is an exceptional woman with a heart of gold whose true passion remains pure … to help those in need and to give of herself when she can.
Her book, Adoption Wisdom first printed in April of 1996, has been used as a tool for countless seminars and workshops. I believe her dedication says much more than I could, "For those who have not yet found their voice." Inside her book you'll find 14 chapters, each one filled to the brim with unequivocal information and inspiring, personal recountings of real people in real situations. From, "Basic Truths About Adoption," to "The Realities of Adoption," you'll find factual insight into the true depths of adoptions intricacies. She has written chapters for Adoptee's, Birth parents, Adoptive Parents, and Search and Reunion. She closes her book perfectly with a chapter titled, "An Ideal Adoption."
If I were to recommend a book to someone who was just beginning the journey of adoption, and even those who have been traveling a while … this is the one. If you want to learn more about other triad members or even perhaps something new about yourself and your own adoption … Adoption Wisdom is a true gem.
To purchase Adoption Wisdom go to: http://www.adopting.org/AdoptionWisdom.html
Healing the Wounds of Closed Adoption: A Workbook for Birthparents by Julia C. Loren, M.S
Julia Loren, M.S is a birthmom and counselor specializing in post adoption relinquishment adjustment. She wrote, "After adoption you're never the same. Your better. More mature. More capable than ever to reach your dreams. Set your sites high. Make your child proud."
I was at a conference in Philly when I was viewing the books for sale at a back table. My eyes passed over a plastic bound "book," and my curiosity picked it up. Flipping through the pages this is what caught my eye, "Beauty cannot disguise nor music melt a pain undiagnosable felt." One of the many quotes Julia has placed inside this workbook, this one by Anne Morrow Lindbergh, has the ability to reach deep down inside a raw heart and bring warmth to a coldness we may not even know exists.
That she knew Anne Morrow Lindbergh, one of my favorite authors, made me instinctively purchase the book. Now mind you, I'd never paid more than $15.00 for a book, and most of them I get for free, but I just had to have this one.
I'd never heard of Julia but something inside of me didn't care. I was pulled into her words, from beginning to end. Not only is this workbook astounding, (I spent the four hours on the airplane beside a box of Kleenex, pen in hand filling out the exercise pages with a new lease on how far I'd come and really how far I had to go!) Julia is also amazing. A birth mother herself, she fills the pages with the threads of her own experience and heart. She knows what she's writing. She's felt it.
This isn't a book to take lightly. This is a book a birth mother gets when she's ready to find herself. When she's ready to put down the face of denial and swim in the ocean of truth. Julia writes uninhibited, accompanying by the one real thing that makes writers worth reading … they know what they're talking about.
Julia writes, "While promoting my first book on teen pregnancy a radio talk show host asked me, "Why are all these women getting pregnant?" At first I thought it a ludicrous question to ask. Then, I mumbled something about dysfunctional family systems being the root of the problem, which caused the young woman to feel a need for intimacy that she satisfied in a way that resulted in a sexual relationship. I gave a simplistic answer to a very profound question – a question that may provide the key to healing for many and the key to prevention for those who are yet children. This question caused me to seek out answers beyond the obvious. As a result, I arrived at my own conclusions as to why I became pregnant at 17. As you read the stories of the birthparents in this chapter, perhaps you too, will arrive at the hidden truths in your life. You may also come to understand what the inner you was actually trying to say through the relationship which resulted in your pregnancy. Eventually, you may discover changes occurring in your current and future relationship as a result of healing the shame."
What? Julia, you mean to tell me that why I got pregnant may be something I want to address in order for me to begin healing? !!! I nearly jumped up and shouted after reading this chapter! Finally! Someone un-afraid to deal with the issues that so many of us birth mothers have had to hide in our closets!
Not only is the workbook a jewel, but Julia is just as amazing. We've spoken on the telephone, yes, I have the phone bill to prove it! Lol and I fell in love with her passion and concern and high-spirited hopes for renewal and healing for so many. And yes, you bet Julia will be at BreakThrough Live in San Diego!
Julia has also written: "Healing the Wounds of Open Adoption,"and "Adoption in Scripture." Her books are available for purchase through her website:
http://www.adoptioncounsel.com
Also … look for her book available at AdoptShop on Adopting.org SOON!
Lifebooks: Creating a Treasure For the Adopted Child
by Beth O'Malley, M.Ed.
In 1981, Beth O'Malley, M.Ed. received her Masters in Counseling from American University in Washington D.C., and after working in the inner city for 13 years, she began her journey as an adoption worker. Beth is herself an adoptee, and this Lifebook is in itself a piece of her own healing.
I was shopping for Christmas presents at Target when my cell phone rang. I answered it between looking at Tickle Me Elmo and the new Barbie Rocker, "Hello?" It was Beth O'Malley, Author of Lifebooks and she wanted to talk to me about BreakThrough as I'd asked her to perform a workshop for us. I continued browsing through the aisle as we discussed details and then out of the blue, from nowhere, she asks me, "Can you tell me … why you gave your son up for adoption?"
Because I rarely get asked that question my pause frightened her a bit and she immediately spoke, "I'm sorry, you don't have to talk to me about that if you don't want to." I nearly laughed! Of course I wanted to tell her about it … but what a rare thing for someone to have the courage to actually ask! I assured her it was okay and then stumbled through my choosing story… I was definantly not used to answering a question like that!
Nearly thirty minutes later we hung up from one another and I found myself lost in the bathroom section of Target. Nice towels, but how'd I get over here? My head was spinning … someone actually wanted to know. Someone actually asked. I wanted to run through the store and tell it over and over again. What a release!
Beth is so cool that she even has her baby picture posted on her website … food dribbling down her chin and all! Lol She is a woman who found her passion through experience … just like you and I she lived through pain, questions, wonder … and chose to help others, to use her life for the greater good.
Beth sent me a signed copy of her book and I sat down to skim through it. Thinking that I would read it later simply to gain details about the upcoming workshops she'd do, I flipped through the chapters. But then … I noticed this, "Life Books help reduce magical thinking and fantasy. They free up an adopted child to pay close attention in school, or to be fully available to focus on talents and interests. Better for a child to be out playing soccer or painting a picture than to be fantasizing endlessly about, "what happened." Lifebooks help answer questions, increase self-esteem, and teach children the TRUTH. They are the ultimate teaching tool. Sometimes children create their own histories, which may not be correct. By creating Lifebooks with them, you can help to gently offer more accurate pieces of the story."
Immediately I thought of my own son. I've spent ten years worrying about what he was being told, and agonizing on why his parents don't want any information on me to tell him. I fear that he has questions that aren't being answered. Or maybe they are being answered, but not truthfully. I worry that he thinks I don't love him, or think of him. I worry that he's asked "why," and not been told. This Lifebook by Beth is a book that I've contemplated sending my son's parents a thousand times since I read it. I even began creating my own Lifebook to give to him if he ever wants to find me. Beth writes this book with exact detail, from which kind of paper to use to how to sit down with a three year old to complete the, "Who Am I?" pages. She is absolutely thorough and with this tool you will be set to create the most amazing book that your child will ever own. It will bring any adoptive parent closer to their child and it will benefit the child in ways that nothing else could when it comes to their history.
If I could, I'd see to it that every adoptive couple had one of these. Shoot, I'd even pay for it if I could. J
Beth has also written, " My Foster Care Journey," and, "For When I'm Famous: A Foster/Adopt Teen Lifebook." You can order Beth's Lifebook or visit her website at:
http://www.adoption-works.com
Graphics & Layout by Websites Unlimited ?1999.2000.2001
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