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"Sometimes the loss of my baby is painful but then I think about her parents and I know that she is where she belongs."
Key Words: "Sometimes" and "But"
"I'm so mad at myself for getting pregnant in the first place, at least with adoption I could make something good come of it."
Key Words: "At myself" and "At least"
"I have the greatest adoption, with the best adoptive parents … how could I be anything but happy? If I do get sad, which isn't often, I just think about how wonderful my babies parents are."
Key Words: "Anything but" and "If I"
The three examples above illustrations of a birthmother who has yet to validate her experience and respect herself. The key words are words that "tell" the real truth. Let's re-write them:
"The loss of my baby is painful, even though I know I have placed her into a good family."
"I am so mad at myself for getting pregnant. Making adoption my choice, instead of abortion, will hopefully help me to forgive myself."
"I have the greatest adoption, with the best adoptive parents and I am truly thankful. I allow myself to experience grief and sorrow, and I always hold close the joy that comes with knowing how happy my child is."
Validation: (SYN.) Corroborate, substantiate, prove, sustain, authenticate.
Validation: (ANT.) Weak, unconvincing, void, un-proved, null, spurious, counterfeit
Validation: 1.) Corroborate: Support with Evidence
In order to validate yourself, the choice you've made, and the emotions you are feeling you have to appreciate the entire experience. What may have been true for you before the adoption was final may not be true for you now. It is almost as if you have two separate stories now … and you may be un-able to separate all the emotions. What we need to do is "merge" the pieces together in order to validate them as a whole.
Exercise Example:
Now, I feel like I am …. (What type of person are you now? What do you do with your time and how do you now feel about your life? Describe yourself as you are today)When I made my choice it was because … (think back to the core reasons you based your decisions on and explain them to yourself again)
Now that it's been done I believe I made my choice because …
My hopes and expectations for the adoption before it was final were ….
My reality now is ….
The key is completing these sentences several times, when you are experiencing different emotions. Sit down and do them when you are feeling your best and it seems that you are just fine. Do them when you are devastated with sorrow and grief. Do them when you are questioning yourself and going through your list of "what if's." Do them when you ache, and do them just before a visit with your child and just after. When you've had enough time and have done these sentence completions during all experiences of emotion you will be able to go back and look at all your replies. When you do this you will begin to get to the "real evidence."
You are "corroborating" your stories (emotions) of ~before the adoption was final ~ and, ~since the adoption has been final ~ in order to validate the entire experience.
Validation: 2.) Substantiate: To show or be true or real; by giving evidence
Once you've looked deep inside and pulled out the truth of yourself and the real emotions you are experiencing, you must now "make" them true and real.
Just as if you were in a court of law you must give yourself substantial evidence. Birthmothers commonly say, "I feel this way, but I don't know why or if it's normal … does anyone else feel this way too?" Go back to your sentence completions and look once more at your replies. Back your answers up with reasons.
"I wanted to make my family proud, I've always been the black sheep."
Okay ~ why? What happened early on that caused you to feel this way, or to be treated this way? Where do your insecurities come from? Finding the answers to these kinds of questions will give you a way out. A light at the end of the tunnel sort of speak.
Imagine yourself in your own jury chair and you are cross examining yourself, trying to get substantial evidence in order to back up your case. Your case is You vs. You. Trying to get to the truth in order to be set free. Free from the agonizing wonder and questioning, free from the torturous pain that consumes you, and free ultimately of the self destruction that follows you.
Validation: 3.)Prove: To show that something is true.
It is time to prove your case. You have corroborated your stories and backed them up with substantial evidence. Now you get to do closing arguments. You know now what it is you are dealing with. You can claim your feelings. The one thing you have to do … is believe in it. It all comes down to whether or not you believe yourself.
Are you still trying to justify your actions? Are you still attempting to rationalize your reasons? Do you still question yourself? True validation can only come from you.
"To Myself, my only Jury, I present myself before you; a woman who has relinquished her child. I made a mistake. I let my loved ones down. Maybe I could have parented, I'll never know. But am I going to judge myself so harshly for only doing what I was capable of at the time? Am I going to crucify every day of my life with emotional beatings beyond anything anyone's ever known … because I cannot forgive myself? {And don't forget the stories you heard here from her family. Her mother, un-willing or un-able to sacrifice her time and effort to help raise her grandchild. She too has relinquished a grandchild. And her father, where was he for the daughter that desperately needed him? Should we prosecute him for neglect? And we couldn't even get the birthfather here to testify! No, this young woman stands here before you, alone, carrying the weight of a decision that should belong to many.} I have proved, beyond a shadow of a doubt that regardless of how ill will my reasons may have been; I love my baby. I deserve to confirm and support myself, to surround myself with acknowledgment. In closing I ask you not to consider the logic, but to consider the tears. I ask you not to vote on the facts, but on my heart. Do not send me into a lonely jail of denial. Let me heal. My grief will be heard long into a thousand nights, before my acceptance dawns a new day. My pain will rain down from heavy black clouds, until hope wakes the sun and sets it on my horizon. My anger will thunder and break every foundation, before my forgiveness builds a new house of love. Grant me these nights, this rain and my thunder, without my excusing it or justifying it. Let me live in the truth of who I am."
The only one you have anything to prove to … is you.
Validation: 4.) Sustain: Hold up and Keep from Falling
One of my favorite phrases came from the caseworker assigned to me during my adoption. She said, during the only one visit I had with her, "Remember, it's okay to fall into the hole … just don't forget to take a ladder when you go."
Well, I fell hard the day I put my son into his parents arms and I didn't come back out for nearly eight weeks. During that eighth week it was Mother's Day. I awoke and walked heavily up the stairs of my father's house to find a beautiful vase of twelve yellow roses. Curious I looked at the card and surprised to find it was written to me I read the words, "A good mother does what is best for her children … you are a good mother."
Those are sustaining words. That one sentence has kept me from falling countless times over the last ten years. Of course I had yet to do any grief or recovery work, but my father's card in that vase of roses would be a lifeline to me as I began the long journey ahead.
Just because we have arrived towards validation of ourselves and the decision we've made does not mean that we never feel pain again. The loss we live with will never die. Forgiving ourselves, getting to the truth and the root issues of what has transpired, and accepting and understanding our emotional path means that we've survived. Even the best survivors need sustaining though. Something that gets them through the hard times, when the "good days" are few and short between.
To keep from falling we have to remember not to look down. We also have to remind ourselves of the journey we've succeeded at traveling this far. One wouldn't hike up Mount Everest just to take free fall, no parachute dive off its side right? That's suicide. In our case … emotional suicide. We've come to far to give up now.
Sustaining how far we've come and where we are now takes effort. Visit your child, if it's been a while. Write letters, or read past letters. Pick up your old sentence completion papers and re-read them … you'll feel proud of yourself. Call a friend who has supported and loved you through it all and let them know that you need help.
And of course … buy a sturdy ladder.
Validation: 5.) Authenticate: Something that is true or genuine.
A gemologist, towards the end of his career, found himself alone in an abandoned African mine. This last search meant everything to him, for the respect he so deserved and his own validation as a professional depended on it. So far he had found nothing, neither had his hired hands and that is why .A gemologist, towards the end of his career, found himself alone in an abandoned African mine. This last search meant everything to him, for the respect he so deserved and his own validation as a professional depended on it. So far he had found nothing, neither had his hired hands and that is why he was all alone.
Looking behind his shoulder, just to make sure all were gone, he vowed to himself that he would not come out until he had it. The Eye of the Tiger. It had been a myth for centuries, but in his heart he believed it existed. Something within him pulled him to search, even when everyone else laughed and scorned him.
He was going in. All the way in. As he traveled on his belly through the airtight cavern thoughts of his family entered his mind. They had ridiculed him, ignored him, and then eventually stopped talking to him about the gem all together. It was his dream now, and he knew there would be no one to share it with. Even the look on the faces of those he loved most when they first caught site of what he would find, would not make him feel better. This was for him.
Hours passed leaving his hands bleeding and his body consumed in heat. Yet he went on. Soon the crew out at the camp began to worry. One man who held a deep friendship with him said, "Oh, you know him … getting carried away as usual. He'll come up out, just wait a while."
But the man didn't come as the stars revealed the time far past midnight. And he wasn't asleep in his tent the next morning either. As the men rushed to form an emergency crew, the sun was just setting over the African mountains. One young boy, who had been listening to the old man's stories of the "Eye of the Tiger," looked out at the horizon with great concern. There, through the mirage of heat waves, sitting high above the tree line … stood the man.
The young boy said nothing as he snuck off to go to him. Reaching the top, heaving in breath and already pouring sweat from every inch of him, he stood in silence with the old man. Without moving his head, he could see the luster and the enormity of the gem cupped in the blood crusted palms of his old friend.
Finally he whispered, "You found it. Is it the real thing?"
The man didn't look over, but the young boy could almost hear the sizzling sound his tears made when they hit the heated dirt below them. Just before they heard the men from camp running up the mountain, the old man barely whispered, "It's the real thing," and then he threw it as far as the eye could see.
The only true value that we as birthmothers have is that value we give ourselves. The gemologist knew that taking that beautiful stone back to sell would only discredit what it took him to get it. No one would ever know the blood, the sweat, and the tears of his journey through that lonely African mine. So are our stories and our journey's.
Make it authentic. Claim it as your own. Let it be the real thing. But remember, no one else on earth will ever appreciate it as much as you. Let the life you live be evidence of how authentic your journey is. Love like the mother you are. Fight like the protector you have become. Laugh with the freedom of forgiveness. Succeed by the sacrifices you've endured.
How The Adoptive Mother Can Help
This part of the series is more difficult than most in regards to how you can help. Validation is such a personal experience and leaves very little room for outside influence. The truth is, a birthmother must walk this valley on her own, otherwise the validation will not be authentic. Keeping this in mind you may be able to help her with sustaining.
Like the card I received from my father … or the quote from my caseworker, there will be opportunities for you to act in small, subtle ways. Tread lightly though, as you don't want to interfere with how far she's come, or how far she's not yet ready to go.Many adoptive mothers say or write things such as, "You are our Angel, we are so grateful for you." Or, "We cannot tell you how much what you've done means to us." Remember, while you may feel this way, it suggests expectations on her. After all, being called an "Angel" leaves little room for humanness. And placing so much value on her "act" instead of appreciating that it is the fact that WHO she is has made it possible, can cause her to feel "performance anxiety."
And remember, she is beginning to re-claim herself so any positive encouragement about who she is and the efforts she's making will help. Birthmothers who seem dependent on your relationship, or who show signs of being "over" involved have simply not been able to re-claim themselves. They have yet to separate the experience in a healthy way. Your relationship, your feelings, your reaction to them, is the most important thing in their life.
They are validating themselves based on how you treat them. They will go "way up" (emotionally) when you show interest, and they will go "way down" when you are distant. Instead of stockpiling the letters, or avoiding the phone calls, or thinking about cutting off contact … try replying with validating words.
"I am so proud of you for starting school again! I can't wait to hear how it goes! Let me know if there is anything I can do okay? My favorite subject in school was math, so if you ever get stuck let me know! I know that you had wanted to get together next weekend, but I'm feeling like I need a little more time. I really loved seeing you last week (by the way, I LOVE your new haircut!) and I'm still working on the photo album I'm putting together from it. (There goes my surprise for you! Darn!) Let's plan to get together next month for sure okay? I know you really wanted to see Seth, and you have every right to feel upset. Just promise me that you'll not hold it against me? When we get together next time we'll have to do something really special. I promise. Again, I really meant it when I said I am proud of you."
Letting her know that you need more time in between visits, but that you do care will mean a lot to her. She might feel upset for a while, but knowing that you are honest with her and that you are making efforts to keep things going will help. Respect her and validate her feelings whenever you can. Avoiding and lying are never going to work; for either of you.
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