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"Tired limbs, sore from slumber,
barely breathing ? barely seeing,
Waking now into this wonder. Oh what pain it is to know,
These dreams of mine, ?tis time they go.
For I am called to face myself,
Though weak by sleep,
I ask for help. No longer can I stand behind,
My self- made haze of numbing lies.
Sudden pain within me cries, "Awake!"
Tell me, tell me, why this hate?
All this time in pretending sleep,
Lying still, in silent weep. As if the ghost laid down one day,
And tried to sleep the grief away."
Acknowledgment. This stage of recovery will trigger emotions that have been kept sleeping. You will become aware of the "real" feelings you initially felt during the relinquishment process. Currently you may only be able to express your emotion as, "sad," or, "Just a phase." What "awakening" does is help you to understand your initial grieving process and then be able to relate it, or "bring it up to par," with where you are now.
It is completely normal for birthmother's emotions to be "frozen" in time. At the time of relinquishment everything you are feeling is placed into one "section" of yourself. Because it is often too overwhelming, those feelings remain there. As time passes you are un-able to take those feelings and grow into them, accept them, and begin to recover from them. This statement will feel true to you: "That was then, this is now."
During this stage you may find yourself rationalizing with yourself. You will tell yourself that these feelings are not justifiable as you should have been strong enough to "get over" them. You may even believe that it is a form of self-pity and re-calling these emotions will simply do no good. This statement will feel true to you: "It won't do any good to dwell on it."
But the simple truth is: 1.) What was "then" currently effects your "now" whether you consciously are aware of it or not. 2.) "Dwelling" and "Recovering" are two different things.
During your awakening you will be surprised to find that experiencing the raw emotions that have been "sleeping" actually feels good. Being able to admit to yourself the following: I still hurt. I am angry because it didn't turn out the way I'd hoped. I can't forgive myself. I feel like no one cares. I feel like I've lost control. I don't want to pretend that I'm okay anymore. I need to talk about my baby. I need to find the birthfather. I need closure. I don't want to feel weak anymore.
As you admit to how you really feel, you will find an enormous freedom with yourself. You will begin to respect your emotions and the process of empowering yourself can begin.
Just as some of us wake up cranky and do not want to be disturbed, you may feel this way during this process. Make sure that you are alone, or with someone who supports you and will not judge you for anything "negative" you might have to say. Take your time with it. For some, we can jump right out of bed in the morning wide awake. For others, we hit snooze ten times and then continue to sleep standing up in the shower. Don't rush yourself and do not be afraid if your "awakening" doesn't come naturally.
Last year I attended my first "support group" meeting. I was petrified. I'd spent so many years believing that I was fine that I was unsure of my ability to "recall" the pain. I remember walking into the building telling myself, "You're just going to sit and listen and not say a word. That way you won't make the mistake of "being" something you're not." There were eight of us in all that evening. Five birthmothers, an adoptee, and two adoptive mothers. For the first thirty minutes or so we did our introductions and I remember feeling very frustrated. "Is this it?" I thought to myself. Some spoke about their reunions, so much good to say. Some spoke about being matched and how wonderful the birthmother was. Some told of a recent visit with a child and how well it went. All the while as I sat there, I slowly filled with anger, resentment, fear, and a need to scream out loud. I just assumed I was having an onset of anxiety. Mentally I checked my brain to remember if I'd taken any Zoloft recently. I had. What was wrong with me? Sitting around me were a group of women that seemed just fine, in fact, elated about their adoption situations. I should have been joyful!
It came around to me then and I was asked to introduce myself again and tell a little bit about my adoption story. As a guest speaker I am well versed in speaking and have never had any fears. But for some reason ? I could barely open my mouth. It was as if I would heave all over the place. Slowly I said my name ?. "Hi. My name is Courtney and I am a birthmother." Faces just smiled, someone took a sip of coffee, and another crossed her legs and sighed. And then it happened. All of a sudden and out of no where the emotions came full force and before I knew it I was saying the words I'd tried to not say for nine years, "I just wanted to make my family proud of me ? but they aren't. And I'm not. I gave my baby away. And oh God ? it hurts."
As I cried there in front of a room full of strangers I began to hear cries other than my own. As my sobs subsided and I lifted my eyes from the cups of my hands I noticed that every other birthmother in the room felt the same way I did. And the truth was revealed. That despite how "good" our adoptions had turned out we all felt similar. We all felt terrible. And it felt so good to get it out.
To be able to admit that we hurt, to let go of the expectations we had of ourselves to be "strong," was freeing. It didn't mean that we regretted what we'd done, or that we wish we'd never done it. It was simply acknowledging our real emotions in order to awaken the core issues that needed to be addressed.
- How can I forgive myself?
- How can I forgive my family?
- Now that I can admit to it all ? where do I start.
In open adoptions this is twice difficult. You may not feel the same emotions that a birthmother in a closed or semi-open adoption feels. Instead, you will cling to the rationalization that since you are able to see and know your child you do not have a right to feel anger, sadness, hurt, or grief.
By not acknowledging your feelings they will build up more and more, with each visit, phone call, or any other interaction. What eventually may occur is that you will have a need to stop all contact, yet you will have no real understanding or explanation other than, "I just need time." Other common reasons:
- I need time to focus on my goals.
- I should probably stay away for a while so you can bond as a family.
- It's too hard to say goodbye.
- It's probably better for the child.
- I'm just very emotional.
The common "emotion" that all birthmothers feel during the awakening stage is guilt. But don't let this guilt hinder your recovery. Acknowledge it. Accept it. Ask yourself why it is you feel guilty. Once you gain an understanding of this guilt you will then be able to take important steps to free yourself of it. You will soon be able to DO something about your feelings. They will no longer have control over you.
Path Three: Awakening
How the Adoptive Mother Can Help
As open adoptions are more common, triad members have learned to walk carefully across the meeting grounds. We watch our words, we supervise our actions, and above all we try our best to keep everyone comfortable. What you must realize is that as your child's birthmother enters into the awakening stage she is dealing with "past" emotions. Those emotions that were present before her decision to adopt and during. They do not necessarily have anything to do with the current situation.
Her reactions and responses to you and the adoption will change. Remember that you cannot "help" her by changing your reactions and responses. Do not retreat back into the way your relationship was initially as this will not help. She is undertaking a major process of transforming what was, into what is. It is important that you continue in your relationship with her as planned. An adoptive mother wrote recently to me, "My husband and I simply don't know what to do. Our child's birthmother seems to think that she is co-parenting our child. During her pregnancy she came and stayed with us for several weeks, which of course we'd agreed to and had enjoyed getting to know her during that time. But we've had ---- for almost a year and she calls and wants to come and stay a weekend sometimes. She'll come over in the middle of the day just to hang out, or she'll bring her friends by to see the baby. Before the adoption was final we agreed to let her take the baby around town to show her friends and family, but it's beginning to make us feel a little suffocated now that it's been a year. When we've tried to talk to her about it, she gets defensive and says things like, "You should just be grateful you have ----, if it weren't for me you wouldn't have anything at all." We feel trapped. What do we do?"
Some birthmothers are un-able to separate from their child in the way that adoption calls for. The separation is painful and unless they receive counseling and support and begin the recovery process, they will remain feeling very much the rightful "mother" of the child. While some birthmothers retreat and discontinue contact, others will take it to the opposite extreme.
It is very important that those who know the birthmother be aware of this. If you sense this in your child's birthmother it may be wise to contact the agency to let them know your concerns. The agency then may be able to bring the birthmother in for counseling. You do not want to do anything to jeopardize your relationship with her, but at the same time she needs people who care about her enough to see that she recovers. She is only acting based on the emotions she is able to understand. This does not mean she is a "bad" birthmother or that she will forever remain this way. Continue to reinforce the boundaries that were initially set because by no means am I suggesting you allow your lives to be subjected to any painful or unnecessary harm.
Do Not:
- Cut her off without first addressing the situation.
- Become angry and defensive.
- Feel obligated to give in to her un-healthy emotions and/or needs.
- Enable her to continue destructively.
- Change any agreements initially made, or your behavior and actions toward her.
I once heard this: "A boat on a calm sea will sail peacefully. A boat on rough waters will be tossed violently." Be the calm that your birthmother needs. Even if she is going through violent emotions that are not stable, remember that she is dealing with "past" feelings, not present. Remain calm and supportive while not changing your patterns or your goals for the adoption.
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