Sharon : Birthmother Spotlight
Sharon : Birthmother Spotlight
Age 21~
She just found out her boyfriend of nine months was seeing someone else.
Not only that~ that someone else was pregnant TOO! How dare he!
She packed up her things and hit the road. Moved into an efficiency apartment.
She was scared and all alone. There were complications with the pregnancy.
She had support from family and friends... but not the kind she needed.
Adoption was an option that was introduced to her. She was unsure.
Six months into the pregnancy she decided she had to do something.
She called a place in Texas... talked to a wonderful Lady.
She has decided.
This time not only abandoned... but violated.
She trusted someone she thought she knew. This man lied and betrayed her. And he left
one day when she was at work. He took her money and ran. They searched for him
with an old credit card receipt only to find this man had been deceased! Stolen identity!
She panicked and feared all the worse. She contemplated abortion.. but it wasn't for her.
You see she isn't against abortion... that is a woman's choice...
but it just didn't feel right for her.
She was about 5 months pregnant, at home for Christmas. Surrounded by love.
She has one little boy from her previous marriage. Barely making it alone!
She saw her sisters with their husbands. Their kids all around.
Look at how happy they are...
secure with love. How can she do this? She knew she couldn't.
She felt the baby move within her and she just knew.
She made her decision.
Sharon lives in Western Pennsylvania with her seven year old son, Zakary Thomas. As a "happily" divorced single mother she is also a full time student getting her Associate's Degree in Multimedia and Web Design. Sharon has no time to be lazy.
Looking at a picture of Sharon you do not see through her soft features to the hard times she's endured. Her eyes shine from within, a shine that she has fought to keep. Even her laughter is light and unreserved; leaving you feeling comforted and kept. Sharon is not accustomed to easy times, but one would never know it.
At age 21 and 27 the stories you read above belong to her. Soul secrets that have weighed upon her heart and inspired her to reach. Even her ability to reach is an inspiration to birthmothers everywhere. Sharon has been betrayed, hurt, and neglected in countless ways yet she continues to walk towards the journey she so believes in. Those who have taken from her have not stunted the gift of giving she's been blessed with. Even though so much has been stolen, Sharon is the type of woman who will give you the very shoes she walks in. Perhaps this is a testament for birthmothers everywhere.
Sharon's first adoption was classified as open, but since 1992 the meaning of open has changed significantly. She was promised pictures and letters every month until her son was six months old, and then a letter and pictures when he turned a year old. That was all she's asked for. But it's not even what she got. Sharon still wonders to this day what her son might look like, even as an infant the only picture she keeps is the one on her heart. Some of Sharon's questions are: "Is he healthy? Is he safe? Is he in a good place in his life … and I don't mean financially I mean emotionally. Does he know about me?"
The hurt born from this betrayal leaves Sharon with confusing questions and assumptions that tear at her hopes. She says, "And it is sad because if he DOES know about me somewhere down deep he has to have the same questions for me. Not only is it unfair for this "law" to keep him from me … to keep my questions unanswered… it is unfair to HIM! What if he has a certain medical condition? A rare one that is only genetic and I didn't know at the time of his birth that I had this rare condition. Did they think of this when they explained the "laws" of an "open adoption" in 1992? Obviously not. I only pray everyday that he is okay … that the answers he seeks might be answered in some way. Until the day he turns 18 I will never know. And I hope until the day we meet again he knows and understand and hasn't been mislead! I am the ONLY one that has the answers he seeks. Not his parents, not the agency … only me. The others that may claim to have the answers only go by the "profile" made in 1992. Again, that was ten years ago."
I received an e-mail from Sharon about two months ago after she'd read one of my stories here on this site. She was encouraging and willing to confirm my own passions with her telling heart and her devastating story. Sharon and I bonded instantly. While I praise God for friends like Sharon, it is unfortunate that betrayal was the stepping-stone to our friendship. Each time I read Sharon's story or speak with her I am reminded of my own adoption, the betrayal that took place is so similar to hers. Yet, I write this story about her for one reason … this is what the sisterhood of birthmothers is all about. Helping one another in whatever ways we can. Sharon offered to re-design my pages here at the site for free. I was ecstatic! But more than anticipating a beautiful new layout, I was high on the emotion of receiving. That she would offer something to help me, asking for nothing in return gave me hope. Hope that we, as birthmothers, really can help one another. Since Sharon began re-doing adopting.org she has been offered several side jobs. This is a blessing that only proves, when you reach out a helping hand you never come back empty.
"I am 30 years old now. I have been married and divorced since the birth of my first son. I have a beautiful son to my ex-husband, Zakary who is seven. He knows about his "big brother" and "little sister." He knows that they are living with someone else. It is hard to sit with a child of seven years and actually explain why I kept him and "gave away" (as he puts it) his brother and sister. He fears that one day I will "give him away" too. I try to tell him in all different ways about my decision. But each time it gets harder. The best way I can tell him is "Mommy was chosen by God to have your brother and sister for couples who couldn't have their own babies." But the more I sit and reflect on that "explanation" the more confusing it looks and sounds. Especially to a seven year old child. He then says, "What if God tells you to give me to another couple Mommy?" My response is usually, "That won't happen honey, God gave you to me and your daddy as a special gift. He would never want you to leave us." Again another statement that is probably confusing to him. It is VERY difficult to explain it to him. For several reasons. One main reason is that by telling him I have to face my past. I have to face horrible events that lead up to my pregnancies. Events that make me feel ashamed as a mother and a woman. The adoption part is easy actually, because that was a choice I made. But to explain it is another story in itself. To explain it in a way my son will understand without FEARING me abandoning him is what is hard. Will I ever find the right words to tell him so he will understand? I don't know, but I pray everyday that someday I will."
Today I Go On
Not a day leaves Sharon without thoughts of her children. Her son, Zakary, is a mirror image of the son and daughter she surrendered. While she stares at him she can't help but wonder if her first-born shares any similarity. As Zakary grows into each year, she mentally imagines that her first-born is changing in the same ways. With pictures of her daughter in hand, she at least smiles through the tears that come. Knowing changes everything. A daughter, a precious little girl … is the desire of Sharon's heart. She admires and aches at the same time, as she holds close the memory of her surrendered baby girl, for Sharon wonders if she will be the only one.Sharon says, "I don't let it AFFECT my life." She believes with tenacious strength that she is the only one who can hold her back. Her situations and her painful past do not have the power to steal her todays and tomorrow's. "I have pretty much dealt with my past … now I must learn to accept it." She stands at the crossroads of her path, confronting the huge stones and steep hills. She doesn't waste time moving the rocks or leveling the way … she forges ahead. Today she goes on. A vulnerable Sharon is what you don't see, although she is there with her fears and insecurities. "But that is something I fight inside and don't let anyone see," she says. Me … and my Feelings!"I think that birthparents and adoptive parents need to be open and honest with each other. Not only before the baby is born but after as well. They have to come together for the CHILD. Because ultimately it is the child that suffers in the end. They have the RIGHT to know their birthright. They have the RIGHT to know their heritage. They have the RIGHT to know everything … and to know it all through their life."For Birthmom's …First and foremost never "regret" your decision. It will eat you alive if you do. You have to face reality when making a huge decision such as relinquishment. It WILL change you for the rest of your life but you can't dwell on it. It is hard not to … but it is something you have to learn to do.Another thing ~ always keep in touch with the adoptive parents. If not them then the agency so that your son/daughter will always know you are there. Even if they don't keep in touch with you.I have noticed that when I am writing a letter to my daughter's parents it is hard. They send such long and loving letters and it is difficult to write something like that back. Not because I don't have the same feelings of love that they have but because I am not writing about something they yearn to hear about. It has taken me many years to realize that this is okay. It is okay to write a short letter just to update them. I really don't think they expect anything more.I could think of a lot more to say … but it is hard to word it. So for now I say hold your head up high and be proud that you thought of your child instead of yourself in a time of need. You have to remember that you did this for the child. For the child's needs and wants. Things you obviously could not offer them.If you have been forced to relinquish your child you have to learn that it was something out of your control but it doesn't mean you love your child any less. And someday, hopefully, you will be able to express this to your child."To Visit Sharon's Website, to learn more about her, and to view some of the work she has done go to: http://www.geocities.com/owol82001/ orhttp://www.adopting.org/FortheLoveofaChild/
You can also e-mail Sharon personally at: sar@shol.com The "On Wings of Love," and "About Shar" graphics are Sharon's original designs.
*BirthMother Spotlight is intended to celebrate the lives of women who have courageously gone forward in their dreams and passions in order to be examples to others. If you know of a BirthMother who would be a wonderful inspiration, please write to Courtney Frey @ candjfrey@msn.com
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