Seven Stages of Recovery by Courtney
Seven Stages of Recovery by Courtney
Each week a chat will be available for those interested in discussing any part of this series.
For more information or to write to the author personally, please send a private e-mail Courtney is a Birthmother. She is not an adoption professional, licensed therapist, nor is she affiliated with an adoption agency
She looks, through cloudy tears, around her bedroom on the second floor of her parent's house. Lying on her bed, hands embracing lightly around her swollen belly, she wonders what this room would be like with a baby. The mid-week mornings fill her senses, a baby is crying and she hasn't showered in two days. Her first class starts in twenty minutes and the baby-sitter called to cancel at the last minute ? she'd ask her mother but then she hears that stern voice, "Don't even ask me to raise my grandchild." Is that really what it would be like, she wonders? She isn't one to be a fool about reality. No, that's why she's been talking to a caseworker at the adoption agency. But still ? if only ? if only there was a way. And just before she gives into sobs yet again she cries out, "It's not that I don't love you ? it's not ?"
A birthmother's grief and recovery is un-like any other human journey we have found. To voluntarily surrender one's own child takes an emotion that very few of us will ever understand. Even I did not fully understand my own emotion until asked to write and direct an Easter play for a church one year. When writing the words, "Why have you forsaken me ?" I stepped out of my denial and into the threshold of true sacrifice; for all the right reasons.
Even though birthmothers relinquish in love, the recovery is severe in process. The stages of recovery have been narrowed down to seven, although don't be fooled. These seven stages may take a lifetime to get through.
Birthmothers need to mourn, just as if they've experienced a death. Yet, what makes the grieving process more difficult is that their loved one is not gone. There is no final goodbye. Their child still lives and exists. They do not have a funeral to go to, nor do they have family and friends who sit by their sides day and night waiting on them hand and foot, understanding the pain and nursing the loss. After all, there is no shame in loosing a loved one and people will gather around you to do whatever they can to ease your loss. Flowers, meals, cards, daily visits and phone calls are expected. The grieving process is well known, well understood, and well expected.
A birthmother, after surrendering, goes home. She simply goes home. To her room, where she will sit and cry until she falls asleep. She will be expected to return to school, to walk the same halls as other teenagers whose biggest current crisis is bad hair or being ignored by their weekly fling. While others are passing silly notes across the room, she will be sitting looking out the window trying her hardest to keep the smell of her infant on the tip of her nose. She will sit at dinner to eat. She will do her homework. She will pretend to walk straight back into normal life. This makes her situation and her grieving process almost impossible. That is why denial is easily the first stage.
If those around her deny what has happened in her life she will begin to feel obligated to deny it as well. After all, she's not going to mention the ache she has inside for her baby in the middle of her girlfriend's conversation about what to wear to the next dance. No one wants to feel uncomfortable. So she slowly begins to put her pain in the recesses of her mind and pretend, at least on the outside, that everything is fine.
As this occurs, her memory of the adoption will remain almost frozen. Without having anyone to validate her emotions and feelings, she will deny them and therefore will be un-able to proceed with her recovery. Almost as if she has separated herself at the time of the adoption from herself at the present time.
Even in an attempt to get counseling she will feel secluded. "How has your week been?" "Fine. I guess." "Have you spoken with the birthfather since we last met?" "No. I don't really know where he is." It is difficult to merge back into birthmother status and admit to the painful feelings for one hour every two weeks. It's just too overwhelming.
Two traumas of denial are: 1.) She will have difficulty identifying with her feelings. 2.) She will loose touch with emotion.
A birthmother needs to be reassured that her feelings matter. She must not be sent back into the world after placement without any understanding of her recovery ahead. She must be surrounded by those who have the ability to nurture and acknowledge her.
She needs to be reminded to get in touch with the emotional side of herself, whether that is to laugh or cry. A birthmother does not need to hear, "You'll be fine. I understand. It will get better. You did the right thing." Instead she needs to spend time getting to know herself again, rediscovering the original sense of who she is.
Birthmothers want to believe in themselves again. Denying the full range of emotion they have experienced will keep them locked in the past. They will not be able to go forward into recovery because they will remain feeling guilty and unworthy.
*Keeping the adoption a secret. Fear that others will look down on her if they knew.
*A sudden dislike for babies and children in general. Any reminder of her own infant is too painful.
*Avoiding support.
*Justifying herself and the adoption. Giving excuses beyond anything necessary. Trying to continue to rationalize her choice.
*Becoming excessively busy. She will fill every second of time in order to keep her mind busy.
*Telling others what she thinks they want to hear. Changing her view of adoption based on whom she is speaking with.
*Becoming Passive Aggressive. She will either feel so bad about herself that she will allow others to take advantage of her and not stand up for herself or she will become overly angry in situations.
*Self-destructive behavior.
It is very important that she has someone to help her validate her feelings and support her grief. Without going through the recovery process, she will remain "stuck" in those initial post adoption feelings and her life will begin to cycle destructively. She will not be able to grow into the adoption, or with it.
"It isn't unusual for birth mothers to lose touch with the emotional part of themselves. They develop of way of withdrawing inward to avoid being hurt any farther." (Heather Carlini, Birthmother Trauma")
They often deny their own feelings because they do not want the adoptive parents to know about them. Many birthmothers experience great pain of guilt and low self worth. They have made the decision to relinquish because they found themselves in a crisis pregnancy (this they will have to forgive themselves for as well) and were un-able to offer their child what you are able to. This leads to feelings of guilt. They see all that you have and give to the child and they feel terrible about themselves. But at the same time, they don't want you to know because they don't want to "look" bad to you. They want to be strong, to continue to impress and make those around them happy. many birthmothers feel they must "redeem" themselves. To "right" the "wrong". In doing this they may deny very crucial feelings that will stunt their recovery.
So what can you do? First of all, you can be aware. That is a major step. Your being aware that this exists and that she may be experiencing it will influence your actions. You will have more compassion. If you sense that she is "pretending" to be fine for your benefit, make it a rule to never say the following, "Wow, I am so glad that you're doing so great, that makes us feel better," or, "I'm so proud of how you are dealing with this." Often adoptive parents are so filled with joy and happiness and gratitude that they tell the birthmothers this. This in turn causes the birthmother to belittle her own pain by pretending that your happiness matters more than any pain she may be experiencing. Several little things you can do: Send her sympathy cards. Don't shy away from what she is dealing with by sugar coating it or only talking about how great your lives are now that you are parents. Give her gifts that will remind her of her baby, frames with pictures, little journals filled with milestones of your child. If she feels that she has the freedom to grieve ... that you won't "look down" on her for it, and that you will still love and appreciate her even if she's struggling ... she will be able to begin her recovery process that much easier.
In open adoption relationships, when the birthmother is happy and doing well, the communication is usually flowing nicely. Phone calls are persistent and meetings are casual and welcomed. But when the birthmother begins to retreat due to experiencing real emotion ... this causes the adoptive parents to scare. They fear what they should say or not say, it becomes uncomfortable. Birthmothers do not want to risk the relationship they have with you ... even if that means pretending they are fine when they are not. So if you sense this in your birthmother - don't retreat. Welcome it. Don't stop calling or sending things. Don't stop the meetings. Don't coil up when she cries, or needs to cry. Reassure her constantly that while you may not understand what she is going through - you are not going to feel less of her for it.
And remember - this is her journey. While you can be sensitive to her and make the necessary steps to inform yourself of what she may be experiencing so that you will be prepared ... you cannot do this for her. And you are not responsible for her pain, or her actions due to that pain. This is a very personal, private journey. No one can do it for us. But having people who are willing to support and understand us as we travel the path makes all the difference in the world.
© 2001 Courtney Frey, all rights reserved.
Strictly Enforced.? Please contact Courtney directly for guidelines.? Do not print other than for personal, individual use.? For?a list of Agencies, Newsletters, and Pregnancy Centers who have obtained permission to re-print this article e-mail the author. HOME |Site Index | Site Search | What's New | Adoption in the News | Adoption Assist |Agencies | Waiting Kids | Waiting Parents | FREE Search Registry | Birth Family Search | Birthfamily | Adoptees | Shop | Experts | Library | Chat | Calendar: Events | Giant Directory of Adoption Resources
These graphics were made especially for Courtney's Corner of Adopting.org
by Sharon Roberts, a fellow birthmother.
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