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Courtney Frey, Roots and Wounds...understanding Healing

Courtney

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How many of us birthmothers can remember those last days with our child with almost acute recall?? If I had to guess I would guess nearly all of us.? The touch, the scent, the smile, the tears, the agony, every second we labored and every moment we had with him or her thereafter.? And most of us have had some form of therapy since then, to alleviate the grief and pain.? But how many of us truly understand the emotions we live with day in and day out?? How many of us take our tears and chalk them up to surviving the pain? How many times has one of us said, ?Today is just a rough day ? I'll get through it.? Tomorrow will be better??? Some of us have chosen to write in order to heal.? Some of us speak to adoptive parents in order to educate, in order to heal.? Some of us belong to support groups, and some of us lead lives with only the occasional reminder.? What are we really doing to ?heal??? Is it possible?? And what would we be healing from??

Is the loss of our child something we go on from yet carry within us, or something that effects us in an outward, active state, daily for the rest of our lives?? What I have discovered about myself and my healing is both a simple yet profound realization.?

Say again?? I know ? at first this won't make much sense.? I am going to list the following questions and then I want each of you to respond as honestly with yourself as possible:

1.) When I found out I was pregnant, I felt ?

2.) During my pregnancy I felt ?

3.) When those closest to me responded to me I felt ?

4.) The agency caseworkers made me feel ?

5.) When I chose the adoptive parents I felt ?

6.) During labor and delivery I felt ?

7.) After my child was born I felt ?

8.) When I relinquished my baby I felt ?

9.) In the following months I felt ?

10.) When I think of it now I feel ?

The reason I want all of you to do this is simple.? When we recall or remember the events leading up to and those soon after the relinquishment of our babies, we are not submerged in the events themselves, but in the actual ?emotion? and ?feeling? of what happened.? The pain isn't coming from the logic, ?I gave my baby up for adoption,? but rather from the emotional memory, ?Why I did it ?. How I felt when I did it ? how others made me feel ? how I feel now ??

Understanding our emotions during the trauma is more important than the traumatic event itself.? Jane may feel very differently about her adoption than Julie because of the ?emotional? memories.? While the ?event? was the same, the controlling factor which hinders our lives is not in the event itself, but rather in the interpretation of it individually.?

The roots of our wounds ??? Once we understand that there is more to our pain than just the relinquishment, we can then begin to work on our healing.?? We can have understanding of ourselves, we can forgive ourselves, we can live in the truth of our choices, and we can ultimately be set free from the pain.? Will we ever forget?? No.?? Many of us, especially if we are Christian, have been told or do believe that we should be able to leave what is behind and ?press on? to that which is ahead.? Some of us have been led to believe that if we are un-able to do this we should feel shame and condemnation ie; ?What is wrong with us spiritually that we cannot lay aside our past at the cross????? I want you to listen to this truth and tell it to yourself:? ?God has redeemed me from my sin, but everyday I am in the process of healing from the deep wounds I carry.? Until I can find freedom from the historical wounds I carry, I will struggle with the cycle that my wounds manifest in my daily life.?? Did you hear that?? You are set free from sin, and your wounds can heal!? But only when you define the sin and accept the wounds and realize how they influence your daily life.

Now read again, ?The controlling factor which hinders our life is not the memory itself but in the interpretation given about the event that has embedded itself in the wounds.?

I felt bad.? I felt terrible.? I gave my baby away.? No one offered me any other way.? It's not my fault.? Why didn't anyone help me?? The adoptive parents and the agency say that I'm a hero ? but I'm really just a selfish person who gave her baby away.? I felt ugly, incapable, and un-worthy.? I felt alone.? I felt responsible.? I felt abandoned.? I felt relief.??? These are the controlling factors. The lies we've told ourselves, and the truths we haven't accepted.?? The way we interpreted ourselves during the ?event? and the way we interpreted what was happening.?

Healing comes from within ? not from the event.? The event will never go away.? We cannot change logic, but we can find freedom from pain.? We can forgive ourselves and accept ourselves ? we can even begin to understand why we did what we did.

To begin this process, begin with the ten questions above.? Deep wounds affect the way we perceive and interpret life.? They are like filters through which everything else flows.? Go through the questions, add more, or take some away.? Surrender yourself to the ?feeling? and the true ?emotions.?? You will find more peace in understanding how you felt and how it contributed to your choices!?

Here is an example:

Jane: When I found out I was pregnant I felt like I'd failed.

X:? Failed what Jane?

Jane:? Myself.? My parents.

X:? And why did you feel that way?

Jane:? I was supposed to go to college, my parents were so proud of me.

X:? making your parents proud is an expectation you had of yourself then wasn't it?

Jane: Yes, I guess.

X:? And when you felt like you'd failed them, how did you feel?

Jane:? Like a failure.? Like I'd messed up.

X:? And how did you feel about yourself?

Jane:? I hated myself for being stupid enough to get pregnant.

X:? So you felt stupid too then.

Jane:? I felt stupid, yes.

X:? And when did that change?

Jane:? When I found out about adoption.

X:? How did that change things?

Jane:? I guess I felt like I could do something good.

X:? How is adoption good?

Jane:? I would be giving a baby to a couple that couldn't have them.

X:? So you felt like you could redeem yourself?

Jane:? Yeah.? Even though I messed up, I could make it right.

X:? And who would you be making it right for Jane?

Jane:? I don't know .. I think it was for me.

X:? Does it feel right now?

Jane:? No.? Not really.? I mean, logically it feels right.? I didn't have an abortion, and my baby's parents are happy and they love him, and I can go back to college now.

X:? So logically it feels right ? how about emotionally?

Jane:? I feel like I failed.

X:? Why did you feel like you failed?

Jane:? My parents won't talk about my being a birth mother and other people look at me like I have soars all over my body.? It feels wrong.

Jane's realization about her healing was not necessarily the pain of the relinquishment itself.? It was the root wound within her, the need she had to meet everyone's expectations.? Jane felt like a failure.? No decision she made was the correct one.? She based her self worth on what other people thought of her.? She'd made her decision to relinquish based on her need for acceptance and validation.? She wanted to be ?good enough.?? Regardless of whether Jane kept her baby or relinquished her baby she would still be dealing with that root wound. ?She would still spend the rest of her life meeting others expectations.? But she will not be able to begin to heal from the pain of the adoption until she begins to heal the root wounds.? Why she did it, how it made her feel, and how she will heal from it now so that she will not continue to lead a life meeting others expectations.?

There is one good thing about root wounds.????? They can be pulled.? Finding our root wounds is not easy and I encourage all birth mothers to seek counseling from qualified therapists in the area of adoption.? Support groups within adoption agencies are positive reinforcements for the choices we've made, but true healing comes from a place much deeper than just the adoption itself.?