Courtney Frey, birthmother Poetry...Biography

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Journey to Understanding

by Courtney Frey

For ten years I've fought very hard to open up doors of communication between myself and my son's adoptive parents. When I'd agreed to a semi-open adoption I thought that's what it would be. Unfortunately the adoptive parents felt differently. I have done everything possible to reach them, through the agency, and to establish some kind of beginning. Everything I have done has failed. Until last year when a new caseworker accidentally revealed the last names of my son's parents. And I already knew the state they lived in, so it wasn't that long before I knew exactly where they were and just exactly how to reach them myself. It would be so easy to get on a plane, or into my car, and drive right up to their front door and ask for an explanation. But I have carried this information now for almost a year. I have done nothing. I realize that there must be reasons for what my son's parents are feeling. This decision, to remain silent and to not upset their lives, is just as difficult as the day I decided to relinquish him to them. That has been my motivation into opening up these doors of understanding.

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I have sacrificed my own desperate need to see the face of my son, and to know if he is okay, or to even slowly become a part of his life, as once agreed upon. Because the painful truth of adoption is that when you enter into it, you become a joined and intricate part of those other lives affected. It becomes more than just about you.

A year ago I can honestly say that I truly had no understanding of the adoptive parent journey. I suppose I viewed them as wealthy, beautiful, child-less couples who had everything it took to become five star parents. I was ignorant to what it took to adopt, and definitely not informed when it came to the emotional, as well as financial struggles.

Even when I relinquished my own son to his parents, I viewed them as upper – middle class people who lived in a world I'd only dreamt of. The only thing I was aware of was that they were put on a waiting list, and into a photo album, and from there they were chosen, they adopted, and they went on to live perfectly happy, dream come true lives.

It wasn't until I began reaching out into the adoption community to seek answers for myself that I discovered an entirely different reality. The women, those seeking to adopt and those who had, became an intricate part of my life and my journey into understanding. I found them to be emotional, spiritual, fearful, and frankly … a lot like me.

I have gained a deeper understanding into the minds and hearts of adoptive mothers, and it has been a painful journey. Working on an adoption site, I became involved in creating a forum that gave the opportunity for experienced birth mothers and seeking and adoptive parents to meet. My hope for this place was for birth mothers and adoptive mothers to finally emerge from their own separate worlds and begin to reach out. To gain an understanding and perhaps a sympathy. To replace illusions with realities. To break down stereotypes, and build steadfast truths. I wanted to give other birth mothers and adoptive mothers the opportunity to let go of fear, and cling to truth. I wanted this to begin to change the separate worlds we each operate in, and hopefully I would see a new world emerge.

It would be a place where tough questions would get asked, and where tougher truths would be revealed. Where an adoptive mother could write to a birthmother, “What made you choose the adoptive parents that you did?” Or, “How do I write a successful Dear Birthmother letter?” Where birthmothers could respond, “Most letter are all the same, “we have plenty of love to give a baby,” well, what, you guys all think that we, as their mothers don't have plenty of love to give?” And the conversations would unfold and understandings would emerge and everyone would be better off for it, despite the agony of truths revealed. Where adoptive mothers could write, “I hate that it all comes down to how much money you have.” And birthmothers could respond, “Well, we hate that our choice involves how much money we don't have.” And the insight and the pain are revealed.

A new world has emerged. It has been both positive and painful at the same time. It has been anything but easy. To have the ability to look beyond our own situations and feelings, into the hearts of the “other” side often brings up intense insecurities and painful revelations of denial.

But, to get to the truth, one must face the truth. My truth has been harder to face than facing any of the adoptive mother's truths. But as I slowly began to get real with myself, my own motivations in adoption, my own misconceptions and fears … I slowly began to witness the reality of adoption and those involved. To get to the light, I had to go through the darkness.

Adoptive mothers want answers to their questions, but fear the response they might get from birth mothers. Birth mothers want answers as well, but those answers are often sugar coated. I have gone into the tough areas of hard truths. I have asked the tough questions. And I have found that no matter how difficult and painful the answers are … adoptive mothers and birth mothers want to know.

We've seen shows with adoptive parents, telling of their horror stories. We've listened to the experts and we've heard the professionals. We've watched stories of birthmothers who have abandoned their babies, and stories of birth fathers fighting for rights. But there has never once been a show that brings adoptive mothers, and birth mothers, to the same forefront to face the same questions … to surrender illusion and fear for the sake of understanding … the Other Mother.

On a recent talk show, “Adoption Horror Stories: What They Didn't Tell Me,” one of my first reactions was, “Here is a show about adoption, but as usual, where are the birth mothers?” The couples on the show broke my heart, and the debate on whether or not they had a right to give back their babies was challenging, emotionally. But then I received floods of e-mail from adoptive mothers in the place I work at. I read one as she told me her story of having to relinquish the child she had adopted to the birth grandparents due to mental and physical illness. How she felt as if she'd failed, how she journeyed through the trauma of letting her child go for the sake of her other children, and her own sanity. My anger and confusion slowly dwindled as I read on into the heart of a woman who lived with fear, anxiety, insecurity, and hope. After seeing the talk show I was angry. After all, the host had said it best, “Mothers of biological children don't always get a perfect healthy child, and they sure can't send it back!” But when this adoptive mother reached out … she reached for me. A birth mother. And that's the beginning of healing. To go where you last expect to go. Understanding.

The light at the end of my tunnel is the face of my son. That one day I will be able to hold him and assure him that I never wanted to not know. I don't know if I will be able to tell him about the fight I've engaged in for all these years in the hopes of seeing the promises his parents and I once made come to pass. I don't even know if that will matter. But this is my journey, and it has purpose, that I might be one small stone on the path to the ongoing revolution of adoption.

Hence, where my plea to you begins and the purpose of my writing this is revealed. The real truth about adoption begins in the hearts of those who relinquish, and those who adopt. In order to break the walls of illusion and assumption we must build with truth and understanding. If we are going to end the ignorance and the stereotypes, we must begin with our own emotions and realities.

It's something that's never been done before. That's why I wrote to you.

So today, think upon your beliefs and your actions. Think on from where they come from and how deep seeded they are. Be honest with yourself about what you believe to be true. Be real about how much you do know. And then, muster all the courage you possibly can … and reach out without any other motive than to understand. Adoptive mothers, take what you know to be true and what you understand about birth mothers, and test it against the only ones who can reveal it to be true or not: Birthmothers.

Birthmothers, take what you know to be true and what you understand about adoptive mothers, and test it against the only ones who can reveal it to be true or not: Adoptive mothers.

If I could talk to my son's adoptive mother this is what I would say first:

“I hope that you trust me enough to tell me how you feel so that I can begin to understand. If I don't know what you've gone through, and what you're going through, the only thing I have to base my feelings, and my understanding on, is pure illusion and assumption. And that's not fair to either of us.”

Vulnerability is a true reflection of honesty. Without it, we'll continue to look into a one-sided mirror.