2001 Adoptive Guide
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Talking with Potential Birth Parents
10 ways to show respect and build trust
by Lynn Franklin, with Brenda Romanchik
1. Remember that the pregnant woman is an expectant mother who has not yet made a final decision to place her child for adoption; she is not a birth mother.
2. Understand that she is not simply a means for you to have a child. Do not burden her with your
urgency to become a parent.
3. In developing a relationship, be yourself. Stay open and honest. Both you and the prospective birth parents are building the foundation of what could be a lifelong relationship.
4. Remember that the matching process goes both ways: prospective birth parents choose to work with you, and you choose to work with them. If you do not like or respect them, or if you find yourself judging them in a negative way, you shouldn't work with them. Children often think, "If they don't like my birth parents, they must not like me." Indeed, there's a good chance your child will inherit some of the personality traits you dislike.
5. Let the birth mother and father know that no matter how close you become during this process, you understand the final choice is theirs. They have a right to change their
mind, and they have no obligation to
complete the adoption because of your relationship.
6. Meet and discuss a plan for your postadoption relationship that
all parties understand and will
commit to honor as a sacred trust.
7. Recognize that your child's birth parents will always be a part of your life and your child's life no matter how often you actually meet.
8. Understand that the birth grandparents may also want a connection with your child.
9. Understand that direct communication is the best way to answer questions and clear up misunderstandings, which will surely occur.
10. Understand that if your child's birth mother is reluctant to visit after placement, she is probably dealing with her pain. It doesn't mean she doesn't care. Keep the doors open. Encourage her. Let her know that you believe she has an ongoing role in your and her child's life.
Lynn Franklin is the author of May the Circle Be Unbroken (Three Rivers Press, 1999). Brenda Romanchik is the owner of R-Squared Press, a publisher dedicated to producing resources for open adoption, and the author of A Birthparent's Book of Memories (R-Squared Press, 1999).
See also Adoptive Families Magazine:
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