Adoption Wisdom by Marlou Russell
Adoption Wisdom:
A Guide to the Issues and Feelings of Adoption
by Marlou Russell, PhD
What does it feel like to be adopted? What responsibilities do birth parents have to the children they give up for adoption? How can a person be a better adoptive parent? What do prospective adoptive parents need to know about the realities of adoptive family life?
ADOPTION WISDOM: A Guide to the Issues and Feelings of Adoption, explores the complex and emotional issues of adoption. ADOPTION WISDOM offers insight and understanding of adoptees, birth parents, and adoptive parents while shedding light on the dynamics of the structure of adoption.
ADOPTION WISDOM validates the feelings of those involved in adoption, prepares those who are considering adoption, and educates people about the lifelong impact of adoption. It is a must read for anyone touched by adoption and anyone who wants to know more about the realities of adoption.
The author, Marlou Russell, Ph. D. , is a psychologist in private practice. Dr. Russell speaks and writes on issues of adoption for professionals, the public, and for those living with adoption. She is an adoptee in reunion with her birth family.
QUOTES/ENDORSEMENTS:
"Dr. Russell presents a well-balanced perspective from all triad members which should serve to foster understanding, not only within society as a whole, but among the triad members themselves, something which has long been needed. "
Nancy Verrier, M. A. , author of The Primal Wound
"Gentle, articulate and thorough, ADOPTION WISDOM is an essential guide if you wish to embark on your journey with love and not fear. "
Carol Schaefer, author of The Other Mother
"There is a tendency in our society to sugarcoat adoption and in the process mislead and create unrealistic expectations in all parties. Here is finally a book that tells it like it is. While adoptees and birth parents will benefit greatly from this book, the people who I think will gain the most from it are prospective adoptive parents. For many of them ADOPTION WISDOM will be an eye-opener. "
Thomas R. Verny, MD, author of The Secret Life of the Unborn Child
YES, I WANT TO ORDER THIS BOOK
A Guide to the Issues and Feelings of Adoption
Table of Contents
Chapter 1:The Adoption Triad 19
Adoption Beliefs ? Adoption Triad Members ? Terms for Triad Members ? Beyond the Triad ? Pain ? Understanding the Pain
Chapter 2:The History of Adoption 25
Changes Over Time ? Solution to Problems ? Problems Arose ? Formation of Support Groups ? Sealed Records ? Open versus Closed Adoption
Chapter 3:Basic Truths of Adoption 33
Lifelong Impact ? Creating Families/Separating Families ? Second Choice for All ? Babies are Aware ? Nature versus Nurture ? Loss for All Triad Members
Chapter 4:Loss and Grief in Adoption 41
Loss and Grief ? Kubler-Ross Stages of Grief ? Denial ? Anger ? Bargaining ? Depression ? Acceptance ? Grieving in Adoption
Chapter 5:The Realities of Adoption 49
The Structure of Adoption ? Adoption as a Positive Event ? Lack of Rituals ? The Dynamics of Three ? Confusion ? Mixed Feelings ? Wondering ? Constant Reminders of Adoption ? Secret of Adoption ? Focus on Sex ? Needing to Blame ? Shifting Birth Order ? Dualities of Adoption ? To Love/To Let Go ? Chosen/Rejected ? Truth/Lies ? Reality/Fantasy
Chapter 6:Adoptees 65
Connecting ? Trust ? Separation of Child and Mother ? Adapting to a New Environment ? Being Told ? Kids Can Be Cruel ? Finding Out Later in Life ? Feeling Unwanted ? Abandonment and Rejection ? Outer Space ? Relationships ? Being Alone ? True Self/False Self ? Identity Issues ? Repeating the Pattern ? Relationship with Adoptive Parents ? Relationship with Non-Adopted Siblings ? Fears ? Daze/Numbing ? Post Traumatic Stress Disorder ? Difficult Beginnings ? Adoptee as Survivor ? Denial ? Triggers
Chapter 7:Birth Parents 79
Birth Mothers ? Birth Fathers ? Birth Mother/Birth Father Relationship ? Forgiveness ? Shame ? Guilt ? Relief ? Anger ? Sadness ? Depression ? Relationships ? Sexuality ? Scars ? Role Confusion - Then and Now ? Pregnancy = Crisis ? Loss ? Pregnancy as a Result of Rape ? Treatment of Birth Mothers ? Relinquishment ? Saying Good-bye ? Post-Relinquishment Experience ? Post Traumatic Stress Disorder ? Support Then and Now ? Future Children ?Triggers
Chapter 8:Adoptive Parents 97
Infertility ? Decision to Adopt ? Adoption Is a Permanent Decision ? Honesty versus Secrecy ? Fears ? Whose Child? ? Bonding versus Attachment ? Loving Your Child ? Role as Parent ? Telling your Child ? Birth Mothers and Birth Fathers ? Acknowledging Birth Parents ? Talking about Adoption Issues ? Integrating Infertility and Adoption ? Biological versus Adoptive Parenting ? Handling Questions about Birth Parents ? Adoptive Parent Perspective ? Fears about Birth Parents ? Expectations of Adoptive Parents ? Acknowledgment of Differences ? Triggers
Chapter 9:Search and Reunion 111
Who Searches ? Curiosity ? Filling in the Blanks ? Medical Information ? Fears ? Synchronicity ? Feeling the Connection ? Internal Searching ? External Searching ? Deciding to Search ? Obsessiveness of Searching ? Adoptive Parents and the Search ? Wanting to Find the Truth ? The Right to Know ? Treatment of Those in Search ? Where to Start ? Reunion Registries ? Search and Support Groups ? Continuing to Search ? Internal Timing ? Knowing versus Not Knowing ? The Power of Searching ? Waiting to be Found ? Not Wanting to be Found ? Initial Rejection > Agreement to Meet ?
Intrusion ? Intuition ? Empowerment ? Death at the End of a Search ? Is it Worth It?
Chapter 10:Reunion Relationships 137
Continuation of a Previous Relationship ? Impact of Initial Contact ? The Joy of Connecting ? Honeymoon Period ? Expectations ? Fantasy Meets Reality ? Regression ? Adjusting ? Searching versus Being Found ? Going Away Again ? Walking on Eggshells ? Communication Skills ? Checking In ? Navigating the Relationship ? Post-Reunion Feelings ? Impact on the Adoptive Family ? Reunion Realities ? Beyond the Triad ? Closing the Reunion Relationship
Chapter 11:Before Choosing Adoption 151
Adoption as an Option ? Research the Possibilities ? Becoming a Birth Parent ? Becoming an Adoptive Parent ? What to Expect ? Choosing Adoption ? Choosing Adoptive Parents ? Choosing Birth Parents ? Pre-Adoption Communication ? Post-Adoption Communication ? Transitional Nature of Feelings ? Why Do You Want to Adopt? ? Who Do You Want to Adopt? ? International Adoptions ? Interracial Adoptions ? Adoption and Religion
Chapter 12:Adoption Awareness 165
Acknowledgment of Adoption Issues ? Validation of Feelings ? Support and Connection ? Types of Healing ? Respect for Other Triad Members ? Growth ? Seeking Help ? Choosing a Therapist ? Therapy for Your Adopted Child
Chapter 13:The Future of Adoption 173
Understanding Adoption Issues ? Changes in Adoption Practice ? Adoption as a Business ? The Adoption Reform Movement ? Open Records ? Surrogacy? Donor Insemination/Egg Donation ? Impact of Infertility Treatments ? Ethical and Moral Responsibilities
Chapter 14:An Ideal Adoption 183
Ideal Adoption ? Adults Acting Like Adults ? Child as Witness ? No Money Exchanged ? Honesty ? Keeping Kinship Ties ? Truly for the Child
Resources 187
Suggested Reading 195
About the Author 201
Order Forms 204
Marlou Russell, Ph. D. is a clinical psychologist and MFCC in private practice in Santa Monica, California where she specializes in Adoption Issues, and author of Adoption Wisdom. Marlou is also an Expert on our Forums.
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