Have you thought of *your* child's birthmother?
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http://www.adopting.org/AdoptionToday/Abandonment.html Have you thought of *your* child's birthmother? How do you explain abandonment to your internationally adopted child?
Sue Wants 2, Do You?Sue first e-mailed me after coming home from Vietnam where she adopted her daughter, Lani, who had been in the same orphanage as my youngest. She had seen an article of mine in Chosen Child and wanted to strike up a correspondence about single parenting. Sue has written about her love of mothering for nearly two years, so I wasn't surprised when she finally asked how I “really feel” about raising two alone. She asked about money and sibling rivalry, and she wondered if she could keep the special relationship she has with Lani if another personality were added to the family. She wondered how she could have anything left after giving her all to two “little tykes.” She asked good questions, and since I have been asked the same questions before by other single parents, perhaps my response to Sue will be beneficial to some of you who are in the sameposition. Hi Sue,
Thanks for your e-mail. Sorry it took so long to answer. We just returned from our vacation in Wisconsin at a beautiful place on Green Lake—serene, entertaining, rejuvenating and a place where children are safe to be children. Ironically, from our room in the lodge, I could see the exact spot where I made the decision to become the mother of two. On that day long ago I was playing in the pool when a mother, the most beautiful woman I had ever seen, sat down on a lounge chair next to her daughters, and I became captivated. I watched as they oiled themselves up, stretched out their long legs and began to sunbathe in a relaxed and agreeable manner. I remember my fascination with how much they really enjoyed being together—no bickering or hurt feelings. They were just having fun. My eight-year-old mind never questioned the missing husband/father. And so it was that image of three together that I had in mind when I adopted. I was going to be that happy mother with happy daughters. Well, that swimming pool was filled in and covered over with roses long ago and this time it was my little family that was the source of captivated wonder. You're not the first single parent to ask me what it's really like, but I hesitate to offer counsel on something as personal as family size, as though my experience could transfer to your life. You will have to make that decision for yourself. What I can and will share is how it really is with us: the pains and pleasures of our life together and as a single parent raising two. Some single parents worry that their first relationship will be harmed by the addition of another child. My relationship with Chloé did change. It wasn't crushed, but it did change in its intensity, and I believe that will be a positive thing for her in the long run. Adopting Robin was the right choice for me—for us. With Robin in the family, we are exposed to many more opportunities. With her presence we are well rounded because we can't focus on just two of us. We arrange special times for each girl to be with Mommy, and there is something to be said for bonding through quality time—one-on-one—in addition to the usual routine. Since we don't get to be alone that often, perhaps we treasure those times even more. For a lot of single parents, money has been the one deciding factor prohibiting a second adoption. This was the area where I really had to reevaluate my reasons for wanting a second child. Financing the adoption is one thing, but the total expense of raising an additional child is something else. I'm still wondering if I can cut back my hours at the college and keep Robin home more. Can I afford private school? Will both girls go to Chinese school as well as Vietnamese school? What about paying for lessons in dance, music or sports? Chloé is going to need clothes for kindergarten in the fall, and the hand-me-downs I'd counted on have dried up at this point. Did you know that babysitters today charge more for multiple children? Eventually we will want to return to China and Vietnam, the house will need repainting, and hopefully, there will be colleges and weddings. I'm in the prime years of my earning ability, and I'm working less and less as time goes on. Our finances require much planning—and good management—but we're doing it. Multiply by two all of your daughter's expenses, and see how it feels. That will tell you a lot. Determine exactly what standard of living you hope to have for your family in the future. Income doesn't have to rule out a second child, but you should be cautious about jeopardizing the financial security that enabled you to adopt in the first place. Flying home from Wisconsin was something else! Car seats, suitcases, backpacks—how many hands do I have? There were a couple of venomous glares from fellow passengers, as well as one man's suggestion that my children needed spanking. It just goes to show that time and child management require diligence and planning. You already know there will never be enough time, and sometimes being outnumbered by the children can create havoc. As the girls get older they seem to need me more rather than less. Staying home with my baby didn't last long, and for a long time to come I will still have to ready the two of them and myself, and then get us into the car to wherever it is we're going. And believe me, we are always going! Truthfully, it's just plain hard, backbreaking work. I am a person who needs a lot of private time, but I'm learning to live without it. If it were just myself relating to each child individually, it would be great. It is the relationship between the girls, mixed with their perceptions of the other's relationship with me, that makes our lives complex, and quite often miserable. Sibling rivalry is going to shape our family in many ways, but that may not be all bad. My children have learned to share under the meanest of circumstances. They have learned compromise and sacrifice, not by choice but by necessity. I like the idea of my daughters becoming people who are more selfless than self-centered, and I hope that is the case for the rest of their lives. But children don't have to have siblings to cultivate those qualities. There are some excellent books available that discuss how to handle the battle of wills; an excellent one is Siblings Without Rivalry by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. Having saved the best for last let me share the pleasures of having two. In a nutshell—they have each other. They protect each other at the slightest provocation from an outsider. They love each other, and not just when I am around. What a joy it was to come upon Robin hugging Chloé around the waist saying, “I love you, sissy.” There was the time Robin had an unsuccessful dash to the bathroom and Chloé comforted her. As she tied her sweater around Robin's middle, she soothed, “Robin, it's a good thing you have me ‘cause you'd be lonely and have to wear baby clothes all the time.” She may not have been accurate, but her feeling was genuine! Sometimes, when I can't get one of them to cooperate, her sister can say just the right thing. They comfort one another at bedtime. They play pretend games, watch movies and devour snacks together, leaving a bit more time for me. So even though I don't have an adult partner to share the responsibilities, raising two children has provided a sense of relief from the intensity of a one-on-one parent/child relationship. We often have serendipitous moments, whether we're at home or off doing something together on our “family days.” Best of all, I can grow old knowing that my girls may have a lifelong friendship—someone else who will know them intimately, someone who will care for and about them. Will there be anything left for me? It takes a conscious effort to remember myself, and it took a long time for me to realize exactly what it means when I say that my daughters will one day have their own adult lives to live as they wish. That realization now serves as a reminder that right now is my adult life, and it can't be put on hold until the girls are grown. I consider my family's needs and desires in every choice that I make, but they are my choices. That probably sounds selfish, but it's not. If I just disappear into their lives, how will they know who I am? What kind of model will I be in their development if they can't see what my life represents? I honestly feel that children and parents are not, and never should be mere extensions of each other. So, what will you get out of it? You'll have the love of two children! You'll get the pleasure of seeing their similarities and differences, and twice the different worlds and exposures that each child brings to a parent. Ultimately, you'll know what the gifts are in a private and personal way. I wish you luck as you think on this decision. Will I adopt again? No, I'm parenting at full capacity now. If you decide that your family will remain as it is—one parent/one child—don't forget the children who will grow up behind the walls of an orphanage. They will always need your help. I have volunteered some time to a foundation that supports international orphanages, and it is remarkably rewarding work because it makes a difference to kids who started their lives the same way our daughters did. Your contributions would be most welcome to any of the numerous organizations out there. Take care, Carrie
Caroline F. Daniel is the single mother of Chloé, adopted 7/95, Hangzhou, Zhejiang province, China, and to Robin, adopted 12/97, Phu Tho, Vietnam.Click Here to Subscribe and Read These Great Stories too:
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