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Perspectives on Waiting
By Debi Strong
It has been just over four months since we returned from China with our new daughter, Brenna Xiao Xiao. Already she is such an integral part of our family that we cannot imagine what our lives would have been like without her. And now that we're all together, the waiting period of last year seems very long ago and far away. Yet I can still remember exactly what I was doing last year at this time: I was going nuts!
Let me admit up front that I am not, and have never been, a patient person when it comes to waiting. Some people have actually called me a control freak. In the early months of the adoption process, while I was getting the paperwork done, I was busy and felt that my time was being well spent. Life was good. True, I was annoyed at waiting for the various documents to arrive from their various destinations around the country, but things were moving, stuff was getting accomplished. I was at the helm and mostly in control. I was making things happen!
Once our dossier was done and on its way to China, the waiting became interminable. Honestly, after a while I thought I was losing my mind. I was unable to focus on anything for very long, and I was obsessed with everything that was going on in China, certain that at any moment some event would occur that would cause our paperwork to be lost or otherwise effected in some horribly negative manner. Imagine my horror when the "accidental" bombing of the Chinese Embassy in Belgrade occurred! I couldn't sleep for days.
Luckily, for my family and myself, I found some good news on the Families with Children from China (FCC) Web site that said it appeared dossier-processing times had only been delayed by a few days. Even so, it seemed that the only things I could think about, talk about, or pray about involved China and our daughter-to-be. Looking back on my behavior, I can't imagine how my family and friends put up with me!
In order to not go totally insane during the waiting period, I started studying Chinese, educating the community about Chinese adoption, researching packing lists, researching what we needed in the way of immunizations and getting them, turning my 17-year-old daughter into an adoption advocate, and eventually painting the nursery. I was reading every adoption book I could find, subscribing to every adoption magazine in the universe, and trying to read every book on Chinese culture and literature that was ever written (be assured, there are still many left that I didn't get around to in this last area).
All of these activities I highly recommend, for they helped when we were in China and they continue to help as time goes on. And if you have the stamina to embark on a study of the Chinese language, you will find yourself richly rewarded. I used what I had learned to talk to people in the streets of Guangzhou. Mostly answering questions about Brenna Xiao Xiao such as: Where was she from? Was she Chinese? Was she a boy or a girl? How old was she? Did I have any other children? For the record, I am very far from proficient in Mandarin, but everyone I dared to talk to was very excited at my attempts and, better yet, they understood what I was saying and I understood their questions. For the most part, anyway. Even just learning to say "hello, " "how are you, " "please, " and "thank you, " will take you a long way.
It was also a good thing that we bought and read several baby development books and books on parenting. They have served us well over the past few months. In addition, our agency was kind enough to supply an entire loose-leaf notebook stuffed with reprints of articles on child development, adoption issues, medical recommendations and the like, which we poured over in record time. And whenever I felt I needed more to read, I consulted an excellent article I had found on the FCC Web site (www. fwcc. org) entitled, "What We Wish We'd Read While We Were Waiting. "
My husband and I also tried to spend more time together cherishing our time alone, which would soon disappear. But to be honest, this was hard to do when all we wanted was our baby! It is hard to keep your mind off your child-to-be, even though that child will be around for the rest of your lives.
Finally, after about six months of obsessive frustration, I agreed to do something that would take my mind off the subject at hand: help some friends move to Portland, Oregon. This meant driving one of their cars on a three-day road trip, and helping them settle into their new home.
When at long last we arrived at their new house, it took only about 15 minutes to discover that it was infested with fleas. Naturally, this delayed my daily phone call to home. When I finally got to use the phone, after frantic calls to the realtor and an exterminator and right before we left the house to find a motel, my husband just about burst through the line: "We got our referral! Tracy and I have been pacing the floors all afternoon waiting for you to call! Her name is Mao Xiao Xiao and she's nine months old! They say her name means 'cute and adorable as the early morning rising sun. ' "
Isn't that the way it always seems to happen? When you have finally given up on something, that's when you get it. It seems to be a recurring theme in my life, anyway.
There was still more waiting to be done, of course: about seven weeks, in fact. We had to get the actual medical reports on Mao Xiao Xiao, see her pictures, send back an official acceptance, wait for an official invitation from the Chinese government, and then there was still more of the never-ending INS paperwork. We had to apply for and receive Visas, plane and hotel reservations had to be made, and we had to refine our packing list.
But this period wasn't nearly as bad as before the referral, because I finally had pictures to show everyone. Somehow, up until then, it had all seemed like a nice story but not something that was really ever going to happen. Seeing our daughter, even though she looked so bald and serious, at long last made her real to us and to all of our friends.
Looking back on it all, I suppose I wish I could have relaxed more, spent more time with my husband doing fun stuff, spent less time worrying about all the possible things that could go wrong, and focused more on learning more Chinese while I had the time to study. However, I don't think anything I did or read while we were waiting was wasted. It has all come in handy.
Best of all, I am happy to report that everything has turned out as wonderfully as I ever could have hoped. Brenna Xiao Xiao has been welcomed into our families and community like a little angel. Her big sister adores her, and vice-versa. Everyone who meets her falls in love at first sight. What can I say? I'm just the usual very proud mother. She is absolutely perfect to me!
Now I'm going to start worrying about her teenage years. . . .
Debi Strong is currently editor-in-chief of the adoption-oriented Web site ChinaSprout. com. Previously she has been a park ranger, a crime scene investigator, and a cow hand. She is also the author of two books on recycling, and now lives in the mountains of Colorado with her husband and two daughters.
Cover Stories:
September 2000 - Volume 3 Number 1
Talking to Teachers About Adoption
Kathryn Kaatz
Second Chance Dad
Richard Fischer
Reflections: Searching for Birthfamily
Adult Adoptee Panel
Spotlight on Guatemala Adoptions:
Adoption in Guatemala
The Evolution of a Country and its Laws
Hannah Wallace
A Blessing in Disguise
A Single Parent Family
Lisa Karlin
Birthfather? Did You Say Birthfather?
Leceta Chisholm Guibault
A Joyous Endeavor
Diane Pearson, Jean Mikhail, Laura Borgess, Billy Renkl & Susan Bryant, Gabrielle Dane, Jill Takacs, Susan Fry, Steve Poe, Chester Smith, Teri DiTommaso
Adoption Agency Profiles
Various Agencies
Resources
Resources for Families Touched by Guatemala Adoption
Feature Stories:
The Bread of Life
Ellen Javernick
Why Korea?
Teresa R. Funke
Three Myths You Might Believe
Rev. John Connor
Perspectives on Waiting
Debi Strong
Stand Up and Be Heard!
A Guide to Promoting Adoption Through Television and Print Media
Myrna L. McNitt, MSW
Shoes for Orphan Souls
Russ Dilday
Brain Development & the Post-Institutionalized Child:
Part I
Megan R. Gunnar
Why Did You Adopt From Colombia?
Monica Paoli
Art is Their Natural Voice
Judith Costello, MA, ATR-BC
The Greatest Journey of My Life
Joseph Dickey
I Am a Foster Child
One Woman's Journey Through Foster Care
Erica Swilley
Be an Informed Participant
Get the Most Out of Foster Care & Adoption Training Programs
Heather Craig-Oldsen, MSW
A Child Waits Foundation
Cynthia Nelson
United We Stand, Divided We Fall
A Marriage Grows Through Adopting and Fostering Children
Jodee & Karl Kulp
W. I. S. E. Up!
Marilyn Schoettle, MA
Written by Adoptive Parents, Adoptees and Professionals in the Fields of Medicine, Education, Law, Social Work, Child Development and International and Domestic Adoption.
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