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While on the surface it looks like our adoption happened quickly, it really occurred over many years. I had suffered four miscarriages while married to someone else. I believe my ex-husband's lack of support and understanding of the loss, and his unwillingness to adopt, led to the end of the marriage. I then remarried and my husband shared my desire to have a family. My husband is eight years younger than I am. We did not want to wait and I started an infertility work up all over again at the age of 42. We began fertility drugs which worked immediately, but were advised by our specialist to weigh the risks carefully. My first miscarriage was almost fatal, and there was no guarantee that this pregnancy would survive without further complications for me also.We decided against pursuing this route and thought about adoption.
When we first looked into adoption, we found we could not afford the high costs. We contacted many agencies in our area. Our local Children and Youth Services were only interested in placing severely handicapped children with us. At that time, we felt we were not ready for that. Our Catholic Social Services told me I was too old when so many younger women “needed to be mothers.” It was a huge disappointment. We put it off and planned to look into it in the future. In late 1998, we heard of something called the SWAN Program, which is a free program for anyone willing to adopt special needs children. We took a very extensive course to prepare us for this. There was no situation that they didn't teach us how to handle. We knew it would be a challenge for us, but both of us had medical backgrounds and felt we could handle it. Just as we were getting ready to begin our Home Study, an illness occurred in my husband's family, and we would be needed to assist in care.Once again, we put our plans on hold.
In November of 1999, our first niece was born. She was the joy of our lives. She once again gave us the desire to have a family. We saw a special on the need for parents of international children. We were under the impression that we would be able to afford these costs since there it was such a desperate situation to find parents. I spent two months on the telephone contacting agencies around the world.There was not one single agency that we could afford, and only two would guarantee that money spent would be put in escrow if the adoption fell through. I was shocked at the flippant way these people would recite the costs.$2000 just to submit an application? Gifts to the orphanage and every person we came in contact with? Requirements of bringing VCR's, TV's, stereos to some orphanages? If we were paying $40,000 for an adoption, where was this money going if not to provide these things to the children? It was very discouraging.
On February 8th, we sat down and realized that our dream would not happen for us. We knew we did everything we possibly could to change the situation, and maybe this was the way it was meant to be. We did not question the reason, only accepted it. We live our life by the motto “the only failure in life is never trying to succeed.” We were very comfortable with this and knew we did all we possibly could.That evening, I had posted a message stating this on Rosie O'Donnell's Adoption message boards, where I had also gone for help over those two months.On February 9th, when I opened my email, I saw more mail with the word “adoption” in the subject. I did not want to even look at this word any longer and almost deleted the mail. I decided at the last minute to open it. When I read it, all it said was “Do you have a current Home Study.Let me know if you do.” I thought to myself, why does this person care and who are they? I looked at the email address and saw something similar to Rosie's name. I immediately began to shake thinking, “could it be Rosie herself?” I wrote back briefly that we were in the process of our Home Study and asked why they were asking and who they were. It was then that she revealed herself, and said that sometimes she heard of situations that would help us. She asked that we fax any paperwork we had to her office. I had no idea if this was really her and no way to verify it. We took a big chance faxing some very confidential information to an unknown number, but something made us do it.
She then wanted our Home Study completed as quick as possible. We had to again look for an agency we could afford. I happened to be shopping on a day that I normally wouldn't be out and saw someone from our area who I knew had adopted from China. I brazenly walked up to her and introduced myself and stated why I was interested in talking to her. She couldn't be more helpful, and sent us to LaVida International to have our Home Study completed at minimal cost. It was fate that I met this girl that day. She helped us to prepare all of the paperwork in advance so that we could be as ready as possible.
We were then invited to be in the audience for the taping of the adoption show that Rosie was having. Again, all contact with this person was done in email and I still didn't believe it could be Rosie. We went to New York City on March 14th, and even walking into Rockefeller Center, I told my husband I would not believe it was happening until we saw our name on that roster to get into the studio. We walked up to the desk and there we were. We were escorted into a special line and treated like royalty. We met many other people also in our situation and made friends that we still keep in touch with. We were seated with all of her guests for that day. My husband kept saying he felt we would meet Rosie, I told him to keep quiet about it so that I didn't get my hopes up. At the end of the show, we were invited onstage to meet with Rosie to discuss adoption. I was so in awe of her that I couldn't speak. She said she had been trying to get in touch with us by telephone, but could not read our number. I didn't even give her our correct number, I just mumbled a bunch of incoherent words. It was then that my husband had to take over since everyone knew I couldn't speak. After calming down, I was able to rationally discuss with her our interest in adoption, and that we would be willing to take a special needs, older child, or sibling group. She assured us that she would help us, to just go home and get our paperwork in order. After leaving Rosie, her assistant pulled me aside and said “She WILL get you a child. Go home and get ready.” It was at that moment that every anxiety and impatient feeling left me.I felt comfortable and knew it would happen. It was such a sense of calm and relief. I can't ever describe it.
We went home and decided that rather than having to look at a nursery every single day and get impatient and nervous, we would just make a list of everything we needed in advance so that we could just go out and buy it when the time came. I don't know why, but we prepared for an infant. It just seemed like the thing to do at the time.
We contacted LaVida International and were told our Home Study would be completed within 30 days. We thought we had time. On March 25th, I answered the phone and heard “Hey, it's Rosie.” I just about fell off the chair. She went on to tell me that she knew of a three year old boy that was available for adoption, and gave me all of the details. I told her immediately that we would be interested, and that I didn't even have to call my husband at work to ask him. I was very calm through the call, I wrote down the necessary information. I put a “911” page into my husband, and when he called back, I fell apart. Through tears, I told him he had a son. Our dream had always been to have a boy, and here it was happening. We went out shopping that afternoon and started everything over for a toddler, clothes, toys, and furniture. We had deliveries scheduled for every single day that following week.
We met with him and his family a week later and spent the afternoon together. From the very second I looked at him, I said to myself, “he's my son.” It was love at first sight. He took to us immediately and wanted to come home with us right then and there. He was counseled beforehand that he would be adopted, and was fully aware as best he could at his age. A funny thing that happened when we were leaving is when my husband went to open the door on my side of our sports car, with only two seats. Our future son got into my seat and said “let's go home.” My husband then asked him where I would sit, and he pointed to the back.We had to explain to him that he would be coming for a visit the following weekend to see how he liked our home. That was not good enough, and it took a lot of convincing to get him out of the car. We had planned for him to come in the following Friday and stay until Sunday to see how we all did together. By the time we had driven home to Pennsylvania from New Jersey, our phone was ringing. It was his family saying that they knew we were meant to be his parents, and would we keep him permanently the following weekend. My husband took the call and I was upstairs. He yelled up to me that I had met my son that day. We cried happy tears for hours that night. Every night that following week, he would call us to say good night to his new Mommy and Daddy. The first time we heard those words, we cried. It was a moment we will never forget.
We then had to call LaVida to get our Home Study done THAT week. It was completed within 48 hours. I can't say enough about the staff at LaVida. They went above and beyond for us. Did we sleep that week? I don't remember. We had previously used our spare bedroom for storage, so a lot of work was ahead of us. It would not have gotten done without the help of family and friends. He was coming on Saturday morning. We finished at 3 AM that morning.
How we survived that morning I don't know. The anxiety was so great. We were ready hours in advance. As we were leaving our house to go get him, we hugged each other and said this would be the last time it was just the two of us, we would now be a family. We met them on our highway exit, and when they pulled up and we saw that little hand wave from the car seat, our hearts melted. He was here, our son. There was a huge welcoming at our family's home. Every single member of our families was there waiting. No one had a dry eye. Our son fell into place in our family immediately, and to this day, there isn't one person who doesn't feel like he's been with us forever.
About five weeks after he came home, he asked my husband what his “real” name was. After telling him, he asked us if he could change his name to my husband's. We didn't know if it was a phase, but we explained as best we could at his age that he can change his name if he wanted to. From that minute on, he would correct anyone who called him by his other name. We felt it was a great sign of bonding to us. We never had one adjustment issue, never had the so called “honeymoon” period. We feel this was because he was seen by professionals before the adoption occurred and prepared for it. We also had him evaluated by three professionals in the following months to make sure we weren't missing anything. No one could find any sign of a problem and felt his adjustment was incredible.
There were many coincidences along the way that prove to us he was meant to be our child. His birthday is August 2nd, one day after mine, nine days before my husband's, and ten days before our anniversary. Every single important event that ever happened to us happened in the month of August. His resemblance to my husband is eerie. Strangers constantly comment on how much they look alike not knowing he's adopted. Their mannerisms are identical. He's done so many things identical to the way my husband's family said he did them at that age. That was literally scary. The biggest coincidence is that on the morning of the adoption taping, our son's previous family looked for an adoption attorney in the yellow pages just to see if a toddler can be adopted. They picked Rosie's attorney, who we were also meeting with that morning. They then prayed for some kind of sign that they were doing the right thing. At noon, the attorney called them from Rosie's office to tell them he had found the perfect parents for their son. They took this as their sign. There are too many other coincidences to list here. This was a miracle to us.
Looking back, I would not recommend any adoption to go this quickly. It was very overwhelming in the beginning. I don't know how I got through the first 48 hours. I began to panic wondering how I would be able to take care of this little person for the rest of his life. I felt I had to spend every waking minute tending to his needs. I wanted to make up for all of the lost time I hadn't been a mother and burned myself out. I had to step back and realize I had to take care of me to take care of him and began to pace myself better. I still say becoming a mother doesn't allow you to complete one thing from start to finish 100%. He makes up for me not hearing the word “Mommy” for years by saying it a thousand times a day. I never get tired of hearing that.
What I want to say here is that this can happen to anyone. We are not wealthy people by any means. I am a stay at home Mom after having a very good job and income for 23 years. We traveled constantly and had anything and everything we wanted. Our income has been cut in half, but we found ways to afford the adoption expenses and still have enough left over to provide for our child.When looking over our financial situation initially, I could not figure out a way to do it, so I would put it away, and look at it a few days later. I kept doing this again and again until one day it appeared. You can find a way to do it, you just have to keep working on it over and over. My best advice to anyone is to find more patience than you ever thought possible, and to pray to whatever higher power you believe in like you've never prayed before. We prayed for comfort that we would be content in whatever was meant to happen to us. If God wanted us to have a child or children, it would happen when the time was right. If it never happened, that was okay too, just God's plan for us. Don't ever give up until you know you've done everything you possibly can, then just sit back. If it's meant to be, it will happen to you too.
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